Write It Down

I've always been a note-taker. If I go to the grocery store, you can bet that I'll have my checklist with me. If I listen to sermons, I'm taking notes on what our pastor shares from God's Word. I've kept a journal since I was a young girl. In fact, you can pretty much find me every morning, sitting at my desk with a cup of tea, my Bible in front of me along with my notebook. God speaks to me from His Word, and I respond by writing back to Him. Yep, I like to write things down. There's just something about seeing the written word that cements something for me.

What an incredible blessing that has been! A few years back, I was going through a heart-wrenching experience. It was one of those circumstances where I was on my face before the Lord, praying and crying out to Him. Things weren't changing. Well, they WERE changing, but it wasn't for the better. Things seemed to pile up and pile up. It all looked to be so very much a situation without hope.

In the midst of all of this, God spoke to me faithfully from His Word. Oh, how I loved His Word (still do!). We'd spend hours together in the morning before I had to be at work, but God would speak tenderly to me, teaching me, correcting me, changing my heart, conquering the sin that lived within me. His Word was so very precious to me because it was just an extension of Him. Not just a book full of great stories. Not just a history book full of events. Not just a nice book with a happy ending. Not a self-help book. But a living, breathing Word for my every-day life, for my horrific situation, for my grieving heart. God showed up every single day for me through His Word.

He spoke to me. He spoke to me through His Word. He spoke to me through His Spirit.

And there were times that His Word would come to my mind during the day. I'd remember a Scripture passage that had meant so much … and see a different "angle" on it. I'd remember a story that hadn't made much sense, but had suddenly come in to focus. I'd have a thought that I KNEW wasn't from me. I was learning to recognize my Father's voice -- to be able to discern what was from Him, what was from the enemy, what was from me. All, I believe, because we spent so much time together in His Word.

One day, God told me to write down something He told me. Reluctantly, I did. Reluctantly because in the back of my mind, there was an incredible amount of doubt that it would actually happen. Remember, I was in the midst of a hopeless situation, surrounded by destruction and hostility. Did I really hear His voice? Did I hear Him correctly? But, I wrote it down. Dated it. Underlined it. Kept it where I could see it often so I could be reminded of His promise.

Not only did He tell me to write this all down, but He told me to share with two different people what He had told me. Gulp! Ok, writing it down was one thing because I was the only one who would see it. But tell other people?

Time marched on. Days went by. Weeks went by. Months went by. More than a year went by.  Even then, I constantly questioned whether I heard Him correctly. But I'd go again to what was written. I needed that reminder. I needed to see it in black and white, and not just leave the promise to my memory.

And one day … it happened. Just like He said it would, even down to the date! Not in the way I expected. Not even the way I would have wanted. But, it happened. Just like God had told me.

I know God had me write it down to help me during those discouraging moments, those times of doubt. He knows me. He knows my mind, my memory. He knows that I don't always hear Him correctly, that I don't do things perfectly. He knows that the enemy feeds me lies. He knows that my own intrusive thoughts question His faithfulness and goodness. So, because of that, I write. I've continued writing down what He teaches me, recording our time together, what He reveals.

One thing I know. God breathes His Word on me. It's spoken to me through His written Word. It's spoken to me through His Spirit. It's spoken to me through music, through other people. And I'm filling notebook after notebook of things that He has taught me -- notebooks that I can look through and remember the lesson, remember the word of encouragement, remember the deliverance, remember His love poured out on me. These are notebooks that I can use to minister to others, to pass along to others what God has done with me.

So, that's what we do. Our mornings together -- talking and writing, loving and breathing, learning and growing, falling deeper and deeper in love.

It's just what we do … 

Hopeless Romantic

I discovered something about myself in these last few years. Well, I knew it. I guess I've always known it. But I've seen it magnified x1000. I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic movies. I love happy endings. I love the idea of a knight in shining armor. Noah, from The Notebook? Yeah, he's kind of a dream guy -- 100% committed, a one-woman man, loving to distraction. --sigh-- Yeah. It's all wonderful.

Life isn't always romantic. Sometimes it's full of pain and wounds. Sometimes it's dirty dishes, bills and leaking toilets. Sometimes it's shattered dreams, broken promises.

But this is something that I've learned. All of those things I mentioned in the previous paragraph? Those are circumstances and situations. They are things that occur, and will very probably happen at one time or another in my life, but they don't define me. When I'm in the midst of the ugliness, it's hard to not think those things define my life or even me, but that's a big, fat, horrible lie that the enemy likes to feed to us.

Instead, that ugliness might be the very thing that opens our eyes to the beauty of our Savior.

The circumstances might be ugly, off balance, overwhelming, and however else you'd like to describe them. But the truth is that as a daughter of the Most High God, I am loved ... precious ... treasured ... secure ... accepted ... chosen ... safe ... restored. You know, everything that matters most to this romantic heart of mine.

And that changes everything. Absolutely everything. If something happens that I don't understand or is painful, I can rest knowing that He is in control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me. He's come for me! He's searched for me and rescued me! He has shielded me from the blows of the enemy. Oh, some of those blows got through, but they weren't death blows. Jesus took the death blow for me. Every single morning of my life, we meet together and the Spirit pours His love out over me, telling me over and over again how crazily He loves me. And this romantic heart of mine responds to that love. More than anything I want to know Him, to love Him, to bring Him great joy.

It all sounds like a romantic movie, doesn't it? Girl needs to be rescued and guy comes looking for her, committed to her, loving her more than his life. I've lived this movie. I'm continuing to live it, as the Scriptwriter of my life continues writing. I can guarantee you that there will be more "not romantic" things ahead, but I can also guarantee that the happy ending is coming. How do I know? Because my Bridegroom is the epitome of love.

I know to whom I belong.

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine..."

Healing

One thing I've discovered about healing. You can't hurry up the process. If your bone is broken, you can't wish it to be whole immediately. You can't baby it and pamper it and cause it to be strong again "right now". You can't ignore it like it never happened and immediately run a 3K. You can't use your will, or your determination, or your control to fix a broken bone this very moment. Healing takes time. It takes patience. It takes endurance. It takes faith.

Brokenness can happen in a myriad of ways -- financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally, vocationally. And brokenness always … always … always is painful. There's no getting over that fact. The amazing part is that brokenness usually happens with one swift strike. There's an immediate break, an instantaneous crushing, a ripping apart.

Some wounds are death blows. They run deep and it seems there's no way to recover. The wounds become like chains that hold me down. I get frustrated with the progress (or lack of it). I get impatient with myself. God specializes in all kinds of healing, but especially those that are the deepest wounds. The bigger the chains, the more incredible His work. He longs to set me free, to heal me. 

But healing? It takes time. It's much slower than the wounding.

Here's what I've learned in my own brokenness. When it happens, my first instinct is to cry out to God to fix it, to make it better, to repair it. I want the pain and sadness to be over and for life to be comfortable. I want to feel happy, to feel good, and I usually have a plan of action that I think God should take for that to happen. God has more going on than just the circumstances around me though. I've learned that oftentimes something within me needs to be conquered before He will work on the obstacles before me. So, the healing seems to veer off track (according to me) and God takes His time working in me, takes His time in dealing with those chains.

He knows me. He knows what I need even when I think I know what's best.

This is the time that I've learned to step back, to look to God's perspective rather than mine, and trust Him in what He's doing -- even though I'm grieving, or hurting, or confused, or not understanding. Either I believe Him … or I don't. It's always a choice.

If I don't embrace His lessons, if I don't allow His slow healing process and my transformation, then that brokenness can be a waste. The chains of wounding continue to hold me captive. Honestly, I can't afford for that to ever happen again with me. Instead, I enter into the furnace of surrender and allow Him to remove all the impurities that have floated to the surface. He transforms my loss, my brokenness, my grief into wholeness, into blessings for others, into new life for me. Slowly. Over time. Sometimes in imperceptible ways. But surely.

The amazing thing? While I'm surrendering to Him, while I'm looking to Him for how to live this life after the brokenness, a miracle is happening. Healing is taking place. It's not all at once. It's bit by bit. It's conquering old feelings of doubt and pain. It's covering up old memories of grief and brokenness. It's allowing my mind to be renewed by His Word and learning to look to Him in the midst of all of it. It's allowing Him to love me and loving Him in return. It's knowing that God is working within me, around me, through me and for me. God knows what He's doing … and there's great comfort in that for me. He's working … and I'm healing.

My amazing Father in heaven breaks the chains of brokenness to set me free. How my heart longs to be free … and how His heart longs to set the captives free!! He's my Jehovah Rapha -- the God Who Heals.

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36)

20 Things

I like:

1. Donuts and chocolate. Or chocolate donuts. Or donuts dipped in chocolate. Or donuts and chocolate separately. Seriously, I don't think I've ever had a bad donut. And chocolate? Chocolate makes all the bad stuff go away. Chocolate is like the best food. Ever.
2. Baby giggles. What is it about that laugh that is so contagious? All of our grandbabies have had these great giggles, and it has always made my heart melt.
3. Trying on a smaller size of clothing and having it actually fit without having to shove a whole bunch of fat inside the waist band and hoping it will zip up without cutting me in half or exploding a zipper. Check out #1 for the reason this has been a slight issue for me.
4. Sitting on the back porch rocking with my husband. He smokes a cigar. I'll drink hot tea or a glass of wine, and we talk … or listen to music … and just enjoy each other's company. Oklahoma sunsets are gorgeous and we get to share that together every night.
5. Talking with our grown children on the phone via text, Skype or FaceTime. I thought I liked them when they were little … and I did. But, boy, I sure like them now, too! They are really good people.
6. My Deepest Waters sisters/friends that I meet with every Monday night. It's true when they say that your heart can be knit together with someone else's.
7. Spending time with Jesus every morning in His Word. I look forward to it because every single day, He'll open up my eyes to something else about Him, about me, about us. Regardless of how I feel about what's going on in my life, He pours Himself out on me and I know I am incredibly loved. Nothing like it!
8. Shoes. Flats, boots, sandals, heels, flip flops, wedges. A girl just can't have enough shoes. Cinderella will be the first to tell you that shoes can change your life...
9. Having someone rub my feet. I'd get a pedicure every single day if I could, just because I love a foot rub.
10. Vacations. Of any kind. Traveling with my husband is one of my favorite hobbies. I think someone should just pay us to take vacations and then I'd write a blog about it. Sounds good to me!

I don't like:

1. Coconut. The texture is nasty. The flavor is nasty. It gets stuck in your teeth. I think it would pretty much be the same thing as grazing out in the front yard. Ew. Just ew. And I guess I could add turnips, liver, and pretty much any type of fish to that as well. Actually, I CAN eat fish … if it's fried and smothered in tartar sauce. Again, this might have something to do with #3 above.
2. Magnifying mirrors. When you've just turned 58, these are vital for you to use because you have old lady eyes and you can't see in the mirror. Actually, not being able to see might be the better choice. Magnifying mirrors are nasty, vile things.
3. Scary movies. Scary TV shows. I've even been known to have bad dreams during Shark Week. Enough said.
4. Sweating. I've worked outside in the hot Oklahoma weather and have been known to work up a sweat. I am fully capable of doing it, but I'd rather not, thank you very much. It makes my hair kink up and look really ooky. The only exception to this is if I'm outside working with my husband. As much as I hate sweating, I like being with him even more … and that cancels out the sweating stuff.
5. The "f" bomb. That's just one word that I really absolutely can't stand. And, it's amazing how many people use it just in casual conversation. I try to not look shocked when I hear it, but I think I fail miserably in that area. And, if by some miracle, I can maintain my face not looking shocked, I have an even harder time not gasping. Yeah … 
6. Chin hairs and wrinkles. Like I said, I'm 58. Sheesh. And I own a magnifying mirror, which is a big mistake. I'd appreciate it if you don't look at me too closely.
7. Mice, spiders, snakes -- all of which we've had either in our house or near our house within the last 3 months. Everyone knows they carry cooties, will bite you, and then you have bad dreams and are afraid to open any cabinets or walk in to a dark room. I know this because someone told me this happens.
8. Feeling insecure, or sad, or afraid. All of these are some of my greatest enemies. Fortunately, I have a God who reminds me of the security, joy, and confidence I can have in Him because of Who He is.
9. Escape artist dogs who climb over fences and then you can't find them. I love the dog like crazy … just don't like when I can't find him because he's jumped the fence -- again! I mean, how many times can you add more height to a fence, right?! We're starting to look like a compound around here.
10. Driving on icy roads. I'm Oklahoma bred and raised. An inch of ice will shut down a whole city. If we have icy roads for a week, I'll be camped out in my house wearing sweat pants with my blankey wrapped around me while I watch Netflix. 

And there ya go! 

How Will God Do This One?

God's Word, His requests, His plans are absolutely impossible. So often, He asked His people to do what made no sense.

• Go stand in the Jordan River, which by the way, is in its peak time of rushing over the banks.
• Leave your people, your home, and without a map, go where I tell you without knowing where that is. 
• Listen to the tops of the mulberry trees and you'll know when to go into battle. 
• Pick up the knife before you and sacrifice all of your hopes and dreams. 
• The giant before you is outfitted in impenetrable armor, but you've got 3 rocks. 
• Yeah, you can walk on top of water.
• Feed 5000+ people with a little boy's lunch, and it wasn't even anything awesome like a McDonald's Happy Meal -- it was icky fish!

Seriously? I mean, really. Seriously?!? And He tops it off by saying, look to me. Listen to me.

There's a verse that resonates with me in Joshua 3:4b "Do not come near it [the Ark of the Covenant] in order that you may know the way you shall go, for you have not passed this way before." There are times in my life where God has had me hold up, back off, and put some space between my expectations and Him.

A very wise woman once told me that it's like looking at a huge panoramic painting. When I stand back and get the proper perspective, I appreciate all of the beautiful art. However, I, a very detailed person, can stand with my nose pressed up to the painting and miss all of the beauty of it. Oh, I can see the brush strokes or the different blending, but I miss the fascinating picture before me.

I can do the same thing with God's Word. I'm desperately searching for answers to my problems, looking for God's specific direction regarding my circumstances. I come to His Word with my nose pressed in, looking for that ONE thing, begging for the fix that I think I so desperately need. When I do that, I can lose sight of what He actually wants me to see. This takes great effort, total confidence and faith in Him. I MUST let go of my preconceived ideas of how He's supposed to work, of how my life is supposed to be going, of how the storm is supposed to be quieted. There cannot be an obsession to find that one thing at the expense of missing out on all that He wants me to see. So, I back up a little bit. I get some space and perspective and allow God to do His perfect work.

And then, usually I find that He asks me to do the impossible, the senseless. I'm out of my element. I have no control. I am unable to understand. And God is perfectly aware of it. I'm in the deepest waters imaginable, and it's over my head. God tells me this is the perfect thing for me. He has much more for me than just the one answer I'm looking for.

What can I do? Flail around and get exhausted? Let the rage grow until I am in the middle of the ocean trying to find a place to land? Write it all off as impossible and look for another way? Manipulate, control and connive? Yep, I've tried all of those things at one point or another, but the only thing I can do is to look to Him. Don't try to understand. Don't try to figure it all out. Don't try to run ahead and help Him with all the process. Be obedient. Take Him at His Word. Wait. Trust. Rest in Him.

If He asks me to do something, it's because He has enabled me to do it. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be comfortable. It doesn't have to be easy. But my eyes are on Jesus, and He beckons me to trust Him, to take that first step. That's all He asks. He'll do the rest if I just look to Him.

I might wonder: How will God do this one? But that's just what He's waiting for -- to bring the dead back to life, to perform this miraculous rescue, for me to see that it's all Him. The impossible obstacles, the heartbreaking griefs, the terrifying storms are not to be seen as the end … but as the glorious opportunity to see God work in the midst of all of it.

And as I keep my eyes on Him, as I follow Him in the midst of the unthinkable, the river of impossibility will dry up.

I. Will. Make. It. Because. Of. Him.

His blessings always follow my letting go, my trusting Him to do what only He can do. It's His delight to do those very things that I cannot … and it is my blessing to watch Him do it!

My I AM

I love God's name. Jehovah. Yahweh. The Great I AM. It can be confusing to read through the Bible and see all of His different names. Jehovah Jireh - the God who Provides. El Roi - the God who sees. Elohim - Creator. Adonai - Lord, Master. El Shaddai - God Almighty. Jehovah Rapha - The Lord your Healer. El Elyon - God Most High. Abba - Father. Not different Gods. Each name highlights a different aspect of His character.

All of those names have been who I've seen Him to be, who He's been with me. Times of brokenness called for Him to be Jehovah-Shammah, the Restorer. Times of turmoil called for Him to be Jehovah-Shalom, Peace. But, always, from the very beginning I needed to be rescued -- from the dangers around me, from the sin within me. Jesus. My Savior. My Yeshua.

Reading through the Old Testament, God reminds me of my brokenness, of my sinful choices, of my total need to be saved. And I didn't just read it. I lived it. I still fight living that way. All the way through, He hints of a coming rescue. There's light ahead!

Because of His incredible grace, God doesn't leave me in a state of helplessness and destruction. He doesn't create me to fight these battles on my own. The mourning, the ashes, the death -- these are real aspects of our lives here on earth. Because of His great love, He extends Himself to me. He is the true definition of a knight in shining armor, an armor He Himself is, coming to rescue His love from the devouring dragon. Don't you just love it?

The King of Kings, the powerful God who has named the stars, who holds all of time, history and future in His hands -- He came for me, for you!!

How great our need was! How powerful His love was (is!). He made the payment. He served the sentence. Did I deserve His forgiveness? Did I deserve His free gift? I wish I could say that I did, that there was a little bit of wonderful within me … but nope. Nothing in me deserved what He did for me, what He continues to do for me. 

I might want to point out something good within me -- how nice I am to animals, how I don't cheat on my taxes, how I politely let someone go before me. But if I'm really honest, if I truly inspect myself, I see that all of that doesn't go to the depths of me. The me inside the depths of me is ugly, is broken, is 100% self-centered. And that is the basis for the brokenness in my life.

It doesn't have to stay that way.

Jesus came to change all of that!

His suffering, His death upon on the cross. His resurrection. It all meant something. It all provided the means for me to become whole in spite of my brokenness by sin. It brought me into God's presence -- holy and clean, for the first time in my existence. He did it all so that He could be for me all that I need. Comfort. Help. Rescue. Provision. Healing. He is my I AM. He is all that I need, all that my heart desires. 

My freedom. His glory. 

My I AM.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDoABiTx42I (courtesy of Crowder)

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. My first thought today was to look back. God has drilled that in to my mind and heart these last few years. Look back to Him, to what He's done … and then I'm strengthened to move ahead. These last years have been full of deep joy, deep grief, laughter, tears, choices, brokenness, humility. There have been some hard lessons learned, some lessons that I continue with.

But one thing stands out. I was never alone. My Heavenly Father was (and is!) with me every moment. Never alone. Never.

Much of the healing has happened, and I'm able to look back over the deep, wounding griefs with a little bit of separation, without full collapse. Instead, I see how that very thing -- the utter brokenness of my soul -- was what led to God's transformation in me, His strengthening. I lived my worst nightmare, and somehow God turned that horrible form of death into something I had never imagined it could be. What was dead and broken is now growing and flourishing … and so am I.

I've heard how a seed has to die before there's a new plant. Some things need to be crushed before the beautiful fragrance can be released. A candle has to burn before there's light. Gold has to go through the smelting process before it is truly valuable. Muscles have to be broken down before they're strengthened. Do you see where I'm going here? Sometimes, the best part of life comes after the most devastating seasons. Sometimes we need to be truly broken before we appreciate what is before us, before we become the best we can be.

I don't understand how that's possible. I don't understand all about seeds. I don't understand how strength comes from being broken. All I know is that God is fully capable. He just asks us to hang in there with him in the midst of the mourning, the ashes, the fiery furnace, the storm. He knows what's ahead even if we don't. The death leads to new life. The crushing leads to fragrance. The burning leads to light. The brokenness leads to strength. That's what God does.

Endurance. Perseverance. Tough words. Even tougher to live them. We don't have to have all the answers. We don't have to understand. We don't even have to endure and persevere perfectly, because we definitely won't. We just have to know who God is … to trust Him with all we have … to know of His deep love and care for us. There is no better place to be than with Him in the middle of the crushing, the burning, the dying, the brokenness. His promise is that those times are not permanent, and we WILL experience the beauty of the newness if we only hang in there. He's not just working on the circumstances, He's working on us in the middle of the circumstances.

Qatar has become one of my favorite Hebrew words. In fact, I'd like to think that this is the name that God will give me when He welcomes me home after my life here has ended. Qatar means "to turn in to fragrance by fire, especially as an act of worship." May the fire that He has allowed in my life be something that brings glory to Him, brings a fragrant sacrifice of worship! May I, the tiny seed that has died, the candle that has been burned, be qatar to Him, to those around me.

So, today, I'm celebrating. Celebrating another year of life. Celebrating that getting older has in fact led to growing wiser, thanks to Him. Celebrating beauty after the ashes, the dancing after the mourning. Celebrating that I am a daughter of the King, the great I AM. Celebrating that my story continues to be written by the greatest Author of all time. Celebrating all of the gifts that He has given me. Celebrating that this time of growth has been a fragrant offering to Him.

Happy birthday to me! I am Qatar!