That Day ...

These last few years have marked a real change for me. I've always been the type who planned each day, who wanted everything to run by a schedule and be under control. I've learned, that even though that sounds admirable and extremely organized, it's basically an accident looking to happen. Because, girlfriend, ain't no how that things are always going to go according to MY plan. I've worked hard to change my thinking. But, I can because I've been given a little secret. Actually, it's not really a secret. It's in a published book that has been read for thousands of years.

It is so easy to look around and be overwhelmed by the brokenness and pain in this world. Sometimes, it's more than I can actually handle. The deep pain ...  fractured relationships ...  shattered dreams ... injustice ... fears ... anger ...  hatred -- don't look for too long, because you'll see every one of these on a daily basis. Our world is full of it, and it just seems to get worse, no matter how we try. Families destroyed by addiction. Couples heartbroken by infertility. Marriages devastated by infidelity. Parents estranged from prodigal children. It's all there.

One thing I hold on to: that Jesus will make all things new. He says that He will, that He's in the process even now. He talks about this in Isaiah 43:19, Revelation 21:5, and Isaiah 65:17. All that is broken, worn out, abused, discarded, destroyed, devastated -- it will be restored, made new, redeemed. It's what enabled me to walk my own long, dark road. I knew that maybe there would never be a reconciliation on this earth, but God would restore the brokenness that sin caused. It was a promise, a certainty. It. Would. Happen. It's all I had to hold on to -- the Word of my Lord.

I held on for all I was worth because nothing else seemed to matter. And now, I'm holding on for all I'm worth for someone else -- someone whose journey looks different than mine. Someone who is dealing with a different emptiness than I dealt with.

Here's the deal. I'm able to wrap my mind around the restoration of a relationship. I can see the resurrection from death to life, of the lame walking and the blind seeing. Those all "make sense" to me...but what about infertility? What is the restoration there? It's not like the empty wombs here will be filled with life there in heaven, in eternity.

I've wrestled with this. What will it look like? I'm not totally sure, but I'm thinking it will look something like this. The empty arms here will be full in heaven. There will be no emptiness. There will be no aching hearts or feeling like we're missing a piece of ourselves. There will be none of that. Instead, we'll be full -- fuller than we could ever be as a wife, or a mom, or a person. Our hearts won't long for anything because we'll be with Jesus. Period. We'll have all that our hearts will desire because we'll be in His presence. Period. Everything that was wrong with the world here, everything that sin left a stain on or broke, everything ... everything will be restored, resurrected. Exclamation mark!!

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)

Broken Made Whole

Some days, it seems like all we can do is question: How do we recover from this? Will there ever be restoration and healing? Is there any control anywhere? Our feelings get in the way, and we can sink into a pit of despair and discouragement.

There's so much in this broken world that shatters us and leaves us bleeding, staring at the gaping wound and wondering if we'll ever recover. At the base of all of it is sin. Whether it's just part of the overall, fallen condition of the world ... or if it's a sin that we've committed, or that's been committed against us -- we feel them all. They all seek to break and destroy us.

These are things that I hate.

Infidelity. It breaks marriages and lives. It is a ripping apart of two hearts that God has put together. It destroys families, damages witnesses and testimonies. It is a walking death.

Infertility. It breaks God's perfect plan of being fruitful and multiplying. It causes grief to a woman's aching heart, and brings a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness to the heart of the man who wants to provide for his wife. It is an emptiness.

Infirmity. Bodies that no longer work as they used to. Diseases that run rampant through these weary bodies. A broken imperfection that keeps us from living as we're told we should. It wears us down, tires us out, causes us to feel incapable and futile. It is a destruction.

Addiction. Rebellion. Defiance. Hatred. Wars. The list can go on and on.

All of these words are a result of sin. Some due to a sinful and selfish choice. Others due to a fallen and imperfect world. But at the root of all are sin. Sin causes us to feel inadequate, empty, worthless, incomplete, and alone. We grieve and we mourn because we are suffering a loss that we were never meant to experience. In our innermost beings, we know we were meant for more than this.

God knows. He sees. He sees our shattered hearts, feels our deepest pain, hears our agonized cries, knows our innermost being. The world seems to continue on around us, but we're frozen in place, swallowed up in our grief. Grief is a natural part of dealing with loss, and we must grieve.

However, we cannot ever lose sight of the fact that ... God is.

God is ...
     ... ever present.
     ... sovereign.
     ... good.
     ... faithful.
     ... perfect.
     ... all-knowing.
     ... whole.

God is ... all that we are not, especially when we're dealing with a by-product of the brokenness of sin.

God is ... tenderly asking us to trust in Him even we're hurting and scared.

God is ... continuing to write our story.

And His love for us is immeasurable. That was proven by the cross. All of the ugliness and destruction of sin, Jesus took upon Himself. For you. For me. For our healing and restoration.

Listen. If you only get one thing out of reading this post I want this to be it.

The cross is the point in history that we can point to where it was all finished. It was done. This sin that ravages our world, that gashes our soul, that we battle with daily -- it was defeated by Jesus on the cross. The battle still rages, but the victory is already won.

There will be a day when we will see this sin done away with. No more infidelity. No more infertility. No more infirmity. All that is broken will become whole. All that is empty will be made full. Ashes to beauty. Mourning to dancing. All through Scripture, God talks about the Day of the Lord -- the time that He'll heal it all.

It is coming. It is certain. And we wait in anticipation for all to be made right.

Sunday School Answer?

I had a sweet friend ask me the other day what she should have done about a specific situation. I had been through something similar, so she was hoping I'd have something brilliant to say about her circumstances. I would have loved to impress her with my intelligence and the perfect answer, but all I knew to say was "Jesus".I think that's the one major thing I learned while I was dealing with my own grief and confusion while I walked through circumstances so like hers. I so desperately wanted to fix it, so frantically wanted to make the pain go away. And I prayed often to that end.

God had other ideas.

So, I did what the only thing was that I could think of to do. Honestly, it wasn't that I was being deeply spiritual or incredibly mature, but I was absolutely and totally broken. There was nothing left in me -- no resources, no strength, no wisdom. I determined to look at Jesus as often as my mind would go there. When I was unsure about something, I'd look to Him ... and pray. When I was fearful about something, I'd look to Him ... and pray. When I was angry, or grieving, or happy, or hopeful, I'd look to Him ... and pray. I would take my eyes off of the pain surrounding me and put them squarely on the Lord before me. It was all I was capable of doing.

My situation wasn't corrected overnight. In fact, it was years before I saw any type of difference in the circumstances around me. But, I noticed something interesting during this journey. As long as I prayed and talked with Jesus about what was going on in my life, as long as I gave Him my fears and trusted His care, as long as I waited for His leading and direction, there were changes in me. No changes around me. No softening of the brokenness around me. But changes in me...

I began to see that His voice was more recognizable to me. I didn't have to question whose voice I was hearing, or what the truth was. I recognized it because Jesus and I had spent so much time together in His Word and in prayer. My soul was hungry, greedily so, to draw closer to Him, to learn more of Him, to be more intimate with Him. And the awesome part? He was just fine with all of that!

I always used to laugh at the Sunday school answer of "Jesus". Ask any of these questions in Sunday school and this would be the scenario: "Who's your best friend? Jesus! What do you want more than anything else in the world? Jesus! What is the answer when you're scared? Jesus!"

But, you know what? All of those answers were true and still very much are. He's not just a Sunday school answer -- not just a pat, routine response. The truth is, He is everything I need, everything I want, everything. Period. The storm around me wasn't quieted ... but I was. The brokenness around me wasn't restored ... but I was. I didn't suddenly have wisdom and know what to do in every bit of the journey ... but I knew someone who did. I didn't have control or knowledge of what was ahead ... but I knew someone who did.

Jesus.

Sunday school answer? Maybe so. But for me, He's the only answer.

Hopeless Romantic

I discovered something about myself in these last few years. Well, I knew it. I guess I've always known it. But I've seen it magnified x1000. I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic movies. I love happy endings. I love the idea of a knight in shining armor. Noah, from The Notebook? Yeah, he's kind of a dream guy -- 100% committed, a one-woman man, loving to distraction. --sigh-- Yeah. It's all wonderful.

Life isn't always romantic. Sometimes it's full of pain and wounds. Sometimes it's dirty dishes, bills and leaking toilets. Sometimes it's shattered dreams, broken promises.

But this is something that I've learned. All of those things I mentioned in the previous paragraph? Those are circumstances and situations. They are things that occur, and will very probably happen at one time or another in my life, but they don't define me. When I'm in the midst of the ugliness, it's hard to not think those things define my life or even me, but that's a big, fat, horrible lie that the enemy likes to feed to us.

Instead, that ugliness might be the very thing that opens our eyes to the beauty of our Savior.

The circumstances might be ugly, off balance, overwhelming, and however else you'd like to describe them. But the truth is that as a daughter of the Most High God, I am loved ... precious ... treasured ... secure ... accepted ... chosen ... safe ... restored. You know, everything that matters most to this romantic heart of mine.

And that changes everything. Absolutely everything. If something happens that I don't understand or is painful, I can rest knowing that He is in control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me. He's come for me! He's searched for me and rescued me! He has shielded me from the blows of the enemy. Oh, some of those blows got through, but they weren't death blows. Jesus took the death blow for me. Every single morning of my life, we meet together and the Spirit pours His love out over me, telling me over and over again how crazily He loves me. And this romantic heart of mine responds to that love. More than anything I want to know Him, to love Him, to bring Him great joy.

It all sounds like a romantic movie, doesn't it? Girl needs to be rescued and guy comes looking for her, committed to her, loving her more than his life. I've lived this movie. I'm continuing to live it, as the Scriptwriter of my life continues writing. I can guarantee you that there will be more "not romantic" things ahead, but I can also guarantee that the happy ending is coming. How do I know? Because my Bridegroom is the epitome of love.

I know to whom I belong.

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine..."

How Will God Do This One?

God's Word, His requests, His plans are absolutely impossible. So often, He asked His people to do what made no sense.

• Go stand in the Jordan River, which by the way, is in its peak time of rushing over the banks.
• Leave your people, your home, and without a map, go where I tell you without knowing where that is. 
• Listen to the tops of the mulberry trees and you'll know when to go into battle. 
• Pick up the knife before you and sacrifice all of your hopes and dreams. 
• The giant before you is outfitted in impenetrable armor, but you've got 3 rocks. 
• Yeah, you can walk on top of water.
• Feed 5000+ people with a little boy's lunch, and it wasn't even anything awesome like a McDonald's Happy Meal -- it was icky fish!

Seriously? I mean, really. Seriously?!? And He tops it off by saying, look to me. Listen to me.

There's a verse that resonates with me in Joshua 3:4b "Do not come near it [the Ark of the Covenant] in order that you may know the way you shall go, for you have not passed this way before." There are times in my life where God has had me hold up, back off, and put some space between my expectations and Him.

A very wise woman once told me that it's like looking at a huge panoramic painting. When I stand back and get the proper perspective, I appreciate all of the beautiful art. However, I, a very detailed person, can stand with my nose pressed up to the painting and miss all of the beauty of it. Oh, I can see the brush strokes or the different blending, but I miss the fascinating picture before me.

I can do the same thing with God's Word. I'm desperately searching for answers to my problems, looking for God's specific direction regarding my circumstances. I come to His Word with my nose pressed in, looking for that ONE thing, begging for the fix that I think I so desperately need. When I do that, I can lose sight of what He actually wants me to see. This takes great effort, total confidence and faith in Him. I MUST let go of my preconceived ideas of how He's supposed to work, of how my life is supposed to be going, of how the storm is supposed to be quieted. There cannot be an obsession to find that one thing at the expense of missing out on all that He wants me to see. So, I back up a little bit. I get some space and perspective and allow God to do His perfect work.

And then, usually I find that He asks me to do the impossible, the senseless. I'm out of my element. I have no control. I am unable to understand. And God is perfectly aware of it. I'm in the deepest waters imaginable, and it's over my head. God tells me this is the perfect thing for me. He has much more for me than just the one answer I'm looking for.

What can I do? Flail around and get exhausted? Let the rage grow until I am in the middle of the ocean trying to find a place to land? Write it all off as impossible and look for another way? Manipulate, control and connive? Yep, I've tried all of those things at one point or another, but the only thing I can do is to look to Him. Don't try to understand. Don't try to figure it all out. Don't try to run ahead and help Him with all the process. Be obedient. Take Him at His Word. Wait. Trust. Rest in Him.

If He asks me to do something, it's because He has enabled me to do it. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be comfortable. It doesn't have to be easy. But my eyes are on Jesus, and He beckons me to trust Him, to take that first step. That's all He asks. He'll do the rest if I just look to Him.

I might wonder: How will God do this one? But that's just what He's waiting for -- to bring the dead back to life, to perform this miraculous rescue, for me to see that it's all Him. The impossible obstacles, the heartbreaking griefs, the terrifying storms are not to be seen as the end … but as the glorious opportunity to see God work in the midst of all of it.

And as I keep my eyes on Him, as I follow Him in the midst of the unthinkable, the river of impossibility will dry up.

I. Will. Make. It. Because. Of. Him.

His blessings always follow my letting go, my trusting Him to do what only He can do. It's His delight to do those very things that I cannot … and it is my blessing to watch Him do it!

My I AM

I love God's name. Jehovah. Yahweh. The Great I AM. It can be confusing to read through the Bible and see all of His different names. Jehovah Jireh - the God who Provides. El Roi - the God who sees. Elohim - Creator. Adonai - Lord, Master. El Shaddai - God Almighty. Jehovah Rapha - The Lord your Healer. El Elyon - God Most High. Abba - Father. Not different Gods. Each name highlights a different aspect of His character.

All of those names have been who I've seen Him to be, who He's been with me. Times of brokenness called for Him to be Jehovah-Shammah, the Restorer. Times of turmoil called for Him to be Jehovah-Shalom, Peace. But, always, from the very beginning I needed to be rescued -- from the dangers around me, from the sin within me. Jesus. My Savior. My Yeshua.

Reading through the Old Testament, God reminds me of my brokenness, of my sinful choices, of my total need to be saved. And I didn't just read it. I lived it. I still fight living that way. All the way through, He hints of a coming rescue. There's light ahead!

Because of His incredible grace, God doesn't leave me in a state of helplessness and destruction. He doesn't create me to fight these battles on my own. The mourning, the ashes, the death -- these are real aspects of our lives here on earth. Because of His great love, He extends Himself to me. He is the true definition of a knight in shining armor, an armor He Himself is, coming to rescue His love from the devouring dragon. Don't you just love it?

The King of Kings, the powerful God who has named the stars, who holds all of time, history and future in His hands -- He came for me, for you!!

How great our need was! How powerful His love was (is!). He made the payment. He served the sentence. Did I deserve His forgiveness? Did I deserve His free gift? I wish I could say that I did, that there was a little bit of wonderful within me … but nope. Nothing in me deserved what He did for me, what He continues to do for me. 

I might want to point out something good within me -- how nice I am to animals, how I don't cheat on my taxes, how I politely let someone go before me. But if I'm really honest, if I truly inspect myself, I see that all of that doesn't go to the depths of me. The me inside the depths of me is ugly, is broken, is 100% self-centered. And that is the basis for the brokenness in my life.

It doesn't have to stay that way.

Jesus came to change all of that!

His suffering, His death upon on the cross. His resurrection. It all meant something. It all provided the means for me to become whole in spite of my brokenness by sin. It brought me into God's presence -- holy and clean, for the first time in my existence. He did it all so that He could be for me all that I need. Comfort. Help. Rescue. Provision. Healing. He is my I AM. He is all that I need, all that my heart desires. 

My freedom. His glory. 

My I AM.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDoABiTx42I (courtesy of Crowder)

On His Way Home

We stood around his bedside tonight, listening to his shallow rattling breaths. He would grimace and cry out in pain ... and we all cried alongside him. He never really knew we were there ... never recognized any of us ... but when we spoke of Jesus and prayed, he'd quiet down and become peaceful. All it took was the mention of Jesus' name. Just the mention of Jesus.

What did that say to us? That dementia and death are horrible, horrific things ... but even those things bow at the name of Jesus. That our God in heaven cares about every detail of our life and is there for us. That Jesus reaches beyond the mind and body to our innermost being. That Jesus loves us.

He hasn't gone home yet. He's still working on that process. In the meantime, we pray and grieve, knowing that Jesus is there with him in the far-off shadows of his mind that we can't reach. And somewhere, in the midst of his dementia and pain, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he recognizes the person of Jesus. He's on his way home.

Full House

Well, it's happened. Our kids all grew up and moved away ... moved back ... moved out again ... and now we're at the point where three of our four adult children have moved back in to our home. We just finished moving two of them in this last weekend. There are still boxes, trashbags, and crates of things sitting around ... but the kids are here. I know this is not the first choice for any of them. It's more of a financial necessity than an overwhelming desire to live with Mom and Dad.

My husband and I are excited about their being here ... and nervous at the same time. We're excited because our kids are fun to be with. Wes loves watching football, guy movies, and Ghosthunter with his boys. He likes all of the guy jokes and the looks exchanged between the kids when Mom says something "mom-like". He enjoys all of the laughter, the inside family jokes, and the cuddling he gets from his daughter. Me? I like the fact that our house doesn't seem to echo with emptiness, that I'm not the only female in the house anymore, that the dogs don't follow only me because there's no one else around, that there's always someone to talk to (I don't know if THEY appreciate that!), and that we all basically enjoy being around each other.

But we're nervous, too. Our children are all adults. They're not 15 anymore. We can't treat them like they are. We can't MAKE them pick up socks ... can't MAKE them eat green beans ... can't MAKE them make the choices we think they need to make. Do you know how difficult it is to NOT act like a parent to your own child? After all, I've been doing this for a loooong time. At this point in their lives, our kids don't need a mommy.

For me, that's really difficult. I AM a mom ... and I'm THEIR mom. Our relationship with our children, however, is temporary. Eventually, they all will move out and have families of their own. Yes, we'll still have a relationship, but it won't be the same as when they lived here with us. They won't be here anymore ... leaving shoes in the living room ... leaving dishes by the dishwasher ... leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor. What will they be taking with them? What will be their memories?

My prayer is that while our adult children are living with us that Wes and I will be godly witnesses ... that the kids will see Jesus in us and in spite of us. I don't want them to have memories of a mom hagging about the cleanliness of the house, but one who served cheerfully and gratefully as if she were serving Jesus. I want them to see me as a woman who lives deliberately for Jesus and doesn't react to circumstances. I want them to feel accepted and loved for who they are regardless of their choices ... and their cleanliness!! To me, this is another opportunity to teach, just in different ways than we did when they were younger.

So, it's a full house around here again. What I thought had been a finished chapter has been opened up once again. Obviously, God's not quite finished with the writing of it! In the meantime, we're bursting at the seams (this once empty house is packed!!) and looking forward to all God is doing in our lives and in the lives of our children.

Questions, Questions, Questions!

I'm a naturally inquisitive person. I was the annoying little kid who always asked, "Why?" or "What's that for?" It wasn't out of disrespect. Well, sometimes it might have been to put off doing something I had been asked to do ("It's time for bed, Diana." "Momma, why are there hungry kids in the world?") ... but usually there was a genuine desire to know.

Some of the things I've pondered over the years:
* Why do some people's feet stink soooooo much more than others?
* Why do people seriously like the taste of coconut? Wouldn't eating dried grass from the back yard be cheaper?
* How much longer? Are we there yet?
* What purpose do colors serve ... other than just being pretty?
* Why do little boys and little girls play with dolls differently? Boys smash the dolls together and have them fight. Girls have their dolls shop and accessorize.
* What in the world was the first person thinking who ate a mushroom? "Uhm, there's a fungal thingie growing over there in the shade and moss. I think I'll eat it."
* How come the Tin Man was able to walk and talk if he didn't have a heart? And come on! The Scarecrow didn't have a brain, so why was he the smartest out of the trio of Oz travelers?
* Why did we seriously have to take algebra if we never use it?
* What is it about looking at the sun that makes me always sneeze?
* How come my body literally freezes up and I can't move if I'm in a high place? Other than my hyperventilation and sweating palms, there seems to be no sign of life.
* Why do we have an appendix if we can live so easily without one?
* What is it in me that always convinces me I need to touch something to see if it's really sharp? Like my eyes alone can't tell me! But yeah, I wind up touching it, cutting myself, and then promising I'll never do it again ... until the next sharp item comes along.
* Why, why, why am I so freaked out about mice?! Yes, that still continues ...

Lots of questions over the years. And some things I've found answers to ... others I just continue to wonder. I'm no Albert Einstein. Most other people probably could care less to find any of the answers to the different questions that have baffled me. There's one, though, that I really, really, REALLY want to have an answer to ... and that is "How did Jesus look as He was living His life?"

Jesus hung out with all kinds of people. He loved little children. He loved big, burly fishermen who didn't know when to quit talking. He loved women who were caught in adultery. He loved tax collectors. He loved weird guys who ate locusts, wore camel skin clothes, and preached. He loved sick people who no one else had time for. He loved thieves and murderers. He loved the stupid ... the smart ... the old ... the young ... the rich ... the poor. He loved 'em all. And most responded to that. There was something about Him that drew people to Him. I don't think He hung out in a church all day, holding His Bible, and yelling at people about burning in hell. He wasn't the type that looked down His nose at people who were different or who were judged by the religious leaders. In fact, HE was the one that was judged by others. Jesus was radically different. He loved people ... not because of who they were, or what they did, or what they didn't do. He just loved people.

When I think of applying that in my own life, I'm sad to say that I have a hard time coming up with a fool-proof way to do that. Unfortunately, it's because I get in my own way. I have a hard time separating what someone does from who he is. I tend to think that people different from me are ... well, different. And different is usually not a good thing. But I want to love people like Jesus did. I want to look past the outward appearance, look past the sin, look past the hurts, to the person inside. To Him, everyone was of worth. Everyone was worth the ultimate sacrifice. Everyone was also greatly different from Him ... but He didn't condemn. He was welcoming, accepting, and eagerly seeking relationships with people whom He knew needed Him.

I have to ask these hard questions: How do I look as I'm living my life? Do I in any way at all resemble Jesus? Or am I all me? I ask these questions ... and sadly, I know the answers. The most incredible thing, though, is that Jesus knows the answers as well and is content to continue working with me, teaching me, stretching me, growing me so that I can learn to love as He did, accept as He did, and be as inviting and warm as He was. I told my husband this week that I wanted people to be able to see Jesus in me ... and my very wise husband responded that we need to ask God to help us get out of the way so that people can see Jesus in spite of ourselves. (Isn't he a smart man?!?) Ah! An answer to one of my hard questions!!

Questions, questions, questions. Just another part of the learning process in Finding Me in Him ...