Broken Made Whole

Some days, it seems like all we can do is question: How do we recover from this? Will there ever be restoration and healing? Is there any control anywhere? Our feelings get in the way, and we can sink into a pit of despair and discouragement.

There's so much in this broken world that shatters us and leaves us bleeding, staring at the gaping wound and wondering if we'll ever recover. At the base of all of it is sin. Whether it's just part of the overall, fallen condition of the world ... or if it's a sin that we've committed, or that's been committed against us -- we feel them all. They all seek to break and destroy us.

These are things that I hate.

Infidelity. It breaks marriages and lives. It is a ripping apart of two hearts that God has put together. It destroys families, damages witnesses and testimonies. It is a walking death.

Infertility. It breaks God's perfect plan of being fruitful and multiplying. It causes grief to a woman's aching heart, and brings a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness to the heart of the man who wants to provide for his wife. It is an emptiness.

Infirmity. Bodies that no longer work as they used to. Diseases that run rampant through these weary bodies. A broken imperfection that keeps us from living as we're told we should. It wears us down, tires us out, causes us to feel incapable and futile. It is a destruction.

Addiction. Rebellion. Defiance. Hatred. Wars. The list can go on and on.

All of these words are a result of sin. Some due to a sinful and selfish choice. Others due to a fallen and imperfect world. But at the root of all are sin. Sin causes us to feel inadequate, empty, worthless, incomplete, and alone. We grieve and we mourn because we are suffering a loss that we were never meant to experience. In our innermost beings, we know we were meant for more than this.

God knows. He sees. He sees our shattered hearts, feels our deepest pain, hears our agonized cries, knows our innermost being. The world seems to continue on around us, but we're frozen in place, swallowed up in our grief. Grief is a natural part of dealing with loss, and we must grieve.

However, we cannot ever lose sight of the fact that ... God is.

God is ...
     ... ever present.
     ... sovereign.
     ... good.
     ... faithful.
     ... perfect.
     ... all-knowing.
     ... whole.

God is ... all that we are not, especially when we're dealing with a by-product of the brokenness of sin.

God is ... tenderly asking us to trust in Him even we're hurting and scared.

God is ... continuing to write our story.

And His love for us is immeasurable. That was proven by the cross. All of the ugliness and destruction of sin, Jesus took upon Himself. For you. For me. For our healing and restoration.

Listen. If you only get one thing out of reading this post I want this to be it.

The cross is the point in history that we can point to where it was all finished. It was done. This sin that ravages our world, that gashes our soul, that we battle with daily -- it was defeated by Jesus on the cross. The battle still rages, but the victory is already won.

There will be a day when we will see this sin done away with. No more infidelity. No more infertility. No more infirmity. All that is broken will become whole. All that is empty will be made full. Ashes to beauty. Mourning to dancing. All through Scripture, God talks about the Day of the Lord -- the time that He'll heal it all.

It is coming. It is certain. And we wait in anticipation for all to be made right.

Life Gives No Guarantees ...

No one needs to tell us that this world is broken. We can look around and see it. We know it. We feel the sharp jagged edges of the brokenness all around us. None of us get through living in the midst of the splintered fragments without experiencing pain at some point in time. Because of that, we suffer.

Without thinking too hard, I can recall people who are:

• In a broken marriage, either through something as drastic as infidelity, or something as simple as self-centeredness. Whatever the case, there's a lot of grief, insecurity, confusion.
• Suffering from ailing, fragile bodies that just continue to not cooperate and break down even more quickly. How do I go through the day-to-day activities when my body wants to do its own thing?
• Walking the grievous road of infertility. What had been something that they thought would come so easily has been heartbreaking and tedious.
• Struggling with occupations. They're trying to make it work, but customers don't show up. Or equipment fails. Or there's always something that isn't right.
• Grieving because of a child that has made poor decision after poor decision, has walked away from the Lord and the family, and is living a dark and deceptive life.

To put it quite simply, our life isn't quite what we thought it would be. I don't know if we figured it would all be flowers and rainbows, that everything would come easily for us, that it would always be good, but sometimes we wind up in a dark place where we just want a guarantee that all will be like we want it to be. We want to be safe. We want to be comfortable. We want what we want.

There's no such guarantee. For this life anyway.

I'm still reading in Job. He's continuing to suffer (more than 32 chapters of suffering!!). Why? Haven't I done things right, Lord? Haven't I loved you and obeyed you? Haven't I done what You've asked of me? Why won't you fix my marriage/heal me/give me a baby/provide in my job/bring my prodigal home? And though we know God's right here with us, at times He seems strangely silent in the area where we are begging Him the most to work.

This is where the crossroads are, friend. This is where we have the decision to make. We can throw up our hands and figure God's not worth the trouble. After all, we've done our part, right? He's failed us. We can get angry. We can be defeated. We can give up. We can demand that He give us answers and explain Himself immediately.

And we'd be wrong. So very, very wrong. 

There are a few things we need to understand.

1. God is God, and we are not. Read Job, and you'll get an idea. We know He created the earth, but how? Can we even explain how it keeps working? He is great and mighty...and for us to even pretend for one moment why He does or doesn't do things is the epitome of arrogance and pride. And demanding Him to explain Himself when I don't like something He's doing is to pull Him down to my level.
2. Remember His goodness and His promises. What has He done for us? The cross. The resurrection. He came for us, to rescue us, to redeem us. Is there anything any better than that? Seriously?
3. Let go of what I'm holding on to more than Him. Anything else + Jesus = idol. Even things that are good gifts from Him can become idols that fill us with emptiness. Anything other than Him that we look to for us to be fulfilled is not enough. He's the only Enough that there is.
4. Our only guarantee in this life is Him. Fairness, happiness, a happily-ever-marriage, children, good health, jobs -- all are gifts that we long for. But God knows the gift that we need the most is Him. 

So, what do we do in this life? How do we live knowing that what we want so desperately is not guaranteed?

We keep our eyes on Him. We continue to get to know Him more and more. The more we know Him, the more we see His goodness, His trustworthiness. The more we know Him, the less we feel we have a right to have all the answers, to have control, to have that one other thing that we think we so desperately need. Maybe, just maybe, this area of our greatest pain is the area where He's showing us even more of Himself. He is who we need. He is our enough. He is better than our guarantee.

And for those of us that are His, we have this guarantee/promise in Him -- that someday, all that is broken will be restored. There's no guarantee of this in our life on earth, although sometimes God chooses to bless us in that way. He did with Job! But, even if He doesn't fix it all here in this lifetime, He will in our eternity. What is empty becomes filled. What is broken becomes whole. What is estranged becomes reconciled. What is barren becomes fertile. What is weak becomes strong. Why? Because it's Who He is.

Know it. Hold on to it. It will happen.

"Behold, I am making all things new." (Revelation 21:5)

Who Do You Think I Am?

I've just begun reading in Job for my morning quiet time. A part of me wants to yell, "Run, Job! You have NO idea what's coming!!" Good ole' righteous, upstanding Job. Good ole' Job with 7 sons and 3 daughters. Good ole' Job with thousands of sheep, camels, donkeys and oxen. Good ole' Job. He did everything just like he was supposed to ... and still he lost it all. Every single bit of it, plus some.

This is the part of the story where many of us would say, "I did my part, God. Where in the heck were You?"

Job suffered tremendously. He lost all 10 of his children, all of his wealth, and many of his servants and belongings in one day. A short time later, his hurting and grieving wife turned on him, and he lost his health and was on the brink of death. Good ole' righteous, upstanding Job. Good ole' Job who had done everything just like he was supposed to.

God allowed for it all to be taken away.

And what does Job say? My rough summary of the many chapters of Job's discourse: My eye has seen this. My ear has understood it. I did what I was supposed to do. I'm not being punished because I haven't done anything wrong. But sovereign God has done this, and I demand to know why.

The amazing part is that Job holds on to the sovereignty of God like a lifeline.

Have you ever been water skiing and fallen off the skis without letting go of the rope? I'm sure you're a better athlete and smarter person than I am. You can probably answer that question with a resounding no. But you're not me. Let me tell you -- when you're being pulled on the water face down by a speed boat, you eat lots and lots of water. Lots of it. It's really not very fun and will cause you to not want to water ski again. Ever.

That's what's happening to Job here. He's lost his skis. He's fallen flat on his face and is being pulled through the chopping waves of the waters. Drowning. Being out of control. He doesn't get it. He doesn't like it. He doesn't understand. Through it all, however, Job doesn't let go of his lifeline. He can't, because it's all he's got left.

But none of this makes sense. Job stands before God and demands to know what's going on. Where in the heck were You? Why didn't You do Your part? I'm hurting here, and You're not doing anything! I want to know why.

And instead of God thundering back at Job, "Who do you think you are?", He proceeds to show Job all of creation, all that He's done. "Where were you when I did all this, Job?" All wisdom, all might, all strength, all understanding -- all His. Job will never truly understand God and His workings.

Neither will I.

Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Who sets the limits for the sea? Look at the stars. Did you place them in those exact positions? Do you cause the rain to fall on the grass that grows? Do you feed the ravens and make sure they have food? These are all mysteries to you, Job. You haven't done these things in the past. You won't do them in the future. You can't do any of it. But I can, God says.

In other words, there are millions of things going on in this world. Literally millions. Job didn't understand them, didn't know how they all worked. And neither do I. But God does. And, it's presumptuous for me to think I can tell God just exactly how He needs to be working.

What strikes me is the tenderness in all of this. It's as if God is whispering "Who do you think I am? Open your eyes. Really see Me."

I think that's the same thing He whispers to me every evening as He paints the sky in vivid oranges, pinks, and purples of the sunsets. It's the same thing He whispers to me as the slender stems of flowers push out from the ground, eager to bloom. It's the same thing He whispers to me when someone grievously wounds my heart and leaves me broken and bleeding by the wayside. It's the same thing He whispers to me when up seems down, inside seems outside, and right ways seems side ways. It's the same thing He whispers to me as I open my Bible every morning, run my hands over the well-worn, marked up pages, and seek Him there.

Who do you think I am?

There have been times of deep grief and no understanding. There have been (and probably will be) times of wanting God to explain and give me answers. Ultimately, it all comes down to this: God is God, and I am not. He is good. He is faithful, and I can trust Him even when I don't have responses or explanations.

May my words be like Job's: "My ears had heard of You, but now my eyes see You." I see You, Holy God. I see Your sovereignty, Your goodness. I don't need to understand. I don't need to approve. I just need to see You.

For Such A Time As This

One thing I know -- I absolutely LOVE God's Word. I love reading it over and over and over again. There's always something perfect, just for me, and I can't help but want to share it with other people. So, if you're reading this, I want to share with you what I've been reading from Esther.

Haman (boo! hiss! the villain of this story) had been promoted above all of the officials in the kingdom. Obviously this promotion had gone to his head, and he was wanting people to bow down and pay homage to him. This isn't your typical brown-nosing, but it was to give Haman deity, to promote him to beyond-human status. Mordecai the Jew refused to bow. Haman was furious and determined to take care of the situation. 

So, he persuaded the Ahasuerus (the Persian word for king) to sign an edict to "destroy, kill, annihilate" (the Bible's words) ALL of the Jews. Not just Mordecai, but all of his people as well. Haman told a partial truth and twisted it. The Jews are a different type of people with different laws (truth), and they won't keep the king's laws (untruth). Haman's answer was to "kill them, we'll take all their stuff, and I'll pay 10,000 talents of silver to the folks who carry out this business". Xerxes (the king) agreed because ... whatever. He was king and had better things to do, and if he wound up with plunder, even better.

The thing is, when a Persian king issued a law, nothing could erase that law. The king was even unable to go back and change it. It stood firm. So, every single Jew under the rule of the Persian king (which was ALL of them) was facing a death sentence. A huge, insurmountable, impossible thing was before them ... and there was literally nothing they could do about it. And the edict was that this mass killing of a race of people would happen in a year's time. 

I'm sure all of hell celebrated because not only was the enemy getting to destroy all of God's precious people, but Satan's grand plan to wipe out the line of Judah, and the eventual Messiah looked like it was really going to happen. If the book of Esther ended at chapter 3, we'd see that evil would win and there would be no hope for any of us ...ever. 

But there's more to the story! 

Just like there's more to YOUR story. 

There might be huge, insurmountable, impossible obstacles in your situation right now. Satan might think he has you beat. He and his cronies might be planning a huge party of celebration. He might have you feeling like things are hopeless. 

But God!!! 

Esther's story didn't end in chapter 3. The crux of the matter is seen clearly in chapter 4 and verse 14: "For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" 

Those huge obstacles in your situation? They might not look like they're going anywhere. Only God knows how all of this story is going to unfold. But this I know. This you can take to the bank. This you can count on. Our God is sovereign. He is not unaware. He is so very, very good. Esther was where she was for a reason, for a purpose. And you, my friend, are too. 

"For such a time as this". Not just the numbers and hands on a clock. Not just a date on a calendar. But the moment that everything has fallen in to place. The instant when all of the planning and preparation is ready. This moment. This instant. This time. Not luck. Not happenstance. Not "this time is as good as any". God's perfect, appointed time.

Our God is working. Our God has a plan ... and His plan includes your good and His glory! Let's lift our eyes today to the One who is sovereign, who is good, who sees the next chapter, who knows how this story is going to end. Let's focus on Him and trust that He knows what He's doing even when we don't. He's still writing our story too! 

P.S. Read the rest of Esther! The good guys win ...

It's Not Fair!

It doesn't take long as we go through life to see that we are born with a great sense of things needing to be fair. Children cry out that it's not fair that the oldest sibling gets to stay up later. Teenagers protest that a friend gets to go to an activity and they don't. People argue that it's not fair when they've done the right thing and someone else gets rich for being dishonest. I think it's unfair that my friend can eat chocolate and french fries and donuts and ice cream and potato chips and still be a skinny Minnie while I just look at those incredibly wonderful foods and balloon up another dress size. Life just doesn't seem fair ...

I was reading an "unfair" account this morning in my quiet time in 1 Kings 13. We have Jeroboam, a son of a slave who was given the kingdom of Israel and led the kingdom away in apostasy. His god is being king and he will do everything in his power to hang on to the kingship. We have a lying, deceitful prophet who caused someone else to stumble. And, we have a younger prophet who has done what God has asked him to do. However, the younger prophet listens to the lie of the older prophet and changes his path ... and winds up dying due to disobedience. Uhm, Jeroboam didn't immediately die in discipline for his sin of creating a false religion in Israel. The lying prophet didn't immediately die for his sin of deceiving someone else and leading to their destruction. But the younger prophet? The hammer fell on him. Talk about unfair!

All kinds of things go through my mind. What about the punishment of Jeroboam? What about the punishment of the lying prophet? The younger prophet winds up dead by the side of the road for all to see ... and these other two guys get away scott-free? As I read this story, I felt my flesh shaking a fist to God that "it's not fair!"

But His Spirit that lives within me whispers that I know Him. Let Him take me deeper in this story. Let Him open my eyes to justice, to fairness, keeping in mind His character and His goodness. Let Him teach me.

Immediately my mind went to a time when life appeared to be very unfair for me. In His Word and through His Spirit, God had told me to forgive the unforgiveable, to love the unloveable, to respect the disrespectable, to trust the untrustworthy. How unfair that was! How painful that was! And what about me? What about my feelings, my protection, my desires? What about the dark circumstances around me? Someone else was getting away with sin and destruction while I had to seemingly pay for it?

God spent 4+ years working in me, preparing me for this time. He showed me Who He was and His great love for me. He revealed who I was in Him. He taught me what love, respect, and trust truly were. Regardless of the circumstances around me, regardless of the difficulty of the task, I was called to walk in obedience to Him, in relationship with Him as we walked this tortuous road before us. His commands? Love -- regardless. Respect -- regardless. Obey -- regardless. Trust Him -- regardless.

It wasn't fair. I didn't like it.

Here's where it gets really interesting though. Every single time I "did the right thing" in spite of my feelings or desires, every time I obeyed in spite of the circumstances around me, God blessed me. Not in the ways I had been expecting or wanting, but even greater blessings that I had thought possible. And the most amazing thing? I learned. I learned that:

• what often seems fair to me is short-sighted. It's not seeing deeply enough. 
• God knows better than I do the way life should be lived.
• once God speaks to me, I cling to that as absolute unless He speaks differently later.
• I take all thoughts captive and present them to Him for verification and clarity.
• I am a part of God's purpose and plan to show other people Him.

When I asked God to take me deeper in to this story, I saw the issue with the younger prophet. He had been obedient to the Lord and done just what God required him to do in delivering the message to Jeroboam of judgment. He had done just what God asked him when he refused to eat bread or drink water with Jeroboam. In his mind, the task was done ... and he was sitting under a tree. 

I can imagine the picture. The prophet is under the tree, relaxing after a difficult, emotional, dangerous task of saying unwelcome words to a powerful king. He had seen God work. He had been moved by God's faithfulness. Now, it was time to relax, to let his guard down, to get back to life as normal. Many times being called by God isn't a fun thing for us, particularly our flesh. We're ready to get back to the fairness of eating donuts, right? 

As he's sitting there under a tree, an older gentleman comes up to him and invites him to his house for food and drink. The younger prophet refuses, stating that God told him not to. Then, the older prophet lies saying an angel of God spoke to him also, that he was told the younger man was to come with him. So the younger prophet did.

There's the problem. He heard another word, but instead of taking that word to God for verification and clarity, he just accepted it. Why? Because he was hungry and thirsty. Because he was tired. Because he was ready to just coast and not have to work anymore. Because it was a word that he wanted to hear rather than the word God had put before him. Little did he know that his job wasn't over. If he had taken the deceptive word he had been given to the Lord, God would have surely revealed the truth.

Instead, the younger prophet went with the deceitful older prophet and it wound up leading to the disciplining death of the younger man.

Friend, this is what I see here. When God calls me to something, it is a call that is to be focused on Him -- not my feelings, desires, or circumstances. When God calls me to something, it is understood that it is for His glory and my good, even though it seems impossible or painful to do. When God calls me to something, there is an incredible plan and reason for it -- one I may not readily understand or see, but I can know it's there. 

I feel like the lessons regarding the young prophet are these: 

• Do not quit unless God tells you to quit. 
• If something is contrary to the word God has given you, just because it's what you feel or desire, don't change course. 
• Any "new" word or direction needs to be taken to Him for verification and clarification. 
• Trust Him in His plan even though you don't see or understand.
• Know that He is good.

Life will always seem unfair because we're looking with our eyes of flesh. Sometimes God will reveal the "why" of the situation, but sometimes we just have to trust that He's doing what is best without understanding why. God asks much of His children, but we also know that He goes with us and enables us each step of the way. If He asks it of us, it means we're ready for that step. We can trust Him.

One day, our obedience and faithfulness will lead to more than the temporal yumminess of donuts. There will be a crown and a "well done, thou good and faithful servant." Hang in there with me, friend! Our endurance and trust in Him promise fellowship with Him now and rewards for eternity. 

Beautiful Scars

When our little girl was 7, we rushed her to the hospital because she was having an appendicitis attack. It ruptured before we got there, and she was one sick little girl. Because it ruptured, they kept her a few days … and instead of getting better, she continued to get worse and worse. She couldn't walk … could barely move … her fever shot up again … she began vomiting. The surgeon told us that he needed to go in again and try to find what the problem was. So, again she went to the operating room. An abscess and blockage, removal of part of her colon, cleaning out all the infection -- and they said this time she'd be better. Our doctor told us he had been very concerned about her and that if this had happened 10 years earlier, they wouldn't have had the medical equipment and knowledge to have kept her alive. We had almost lost her. She spent two weeks in the hospital, recovering, slowly gaining her strength back. When we brought her home, she was skin and bones … but she was alive.

Fast forward 10 years and she was a vibrant, beautiful 17-year-old who hated the scar on her stomach with a passion. If she wore a 2-piece bathing suit, someone invariably commented on it. She would tell me vehemently that she thought it was the ugliest scar she had ever seen. She looked at it and saw ugly.

I saw life.

Without that scar, our little girl wouldn't be here with us today.

And I wonder. Does God look at my scars the same way? My scars might not be physical, but they're there. I, like my daughter, have hated my scars. To me, they were signs of brokenness, of failure, of defeat, of wounding. Those scars would bring up the feelings of the past, the pain of the injuries. They were the ugly in the picture of my life.

Then, it struck me one day. Maybe God looks at my scars the way I look at the scar on my precious daughter's stomach. What was heading towards certain death wound up being completely restored into life. Honestly, is there anything more beautiful than that? The scars of my life are all from painful periods that I would love to be able to erase. But life, being the way that it is, doesn't work like that.

Instead of sitting and grieving over the scars, I think God would have me look at the scars like He

does. Beauty from ashes. Dancing from mourning. Life from death. Wholeness from brokenness. Each scar that I bear reminds me of His incredible grace to me. Each scar tells me of His great love for me. He never gave up on me. He never left me alone. He transformed me, conformed me, changed me, grew me. He did what only He could do -- miracles, healing.

I also believe that God looks at the scars of His Son with tenderness, too. For in those scars, I am healed for all of eternity. In those scars, I have been resurrected and live with Him. My scars. His scars.

Beautiful, beautiful scars.

Me-Centered Lessons

If I can save you some of the heartache and trouble of having to learn a lesson the hard way, then I'm only happy to do it. Some of us have to be smacked upside the head to learn. Hopefully, you're not one of those people and you can just read my blog, learn from my lessons, and proceed along merrily down the road. So here goes. Here are some of the lessons I've learned.

1. Being irritated with someone or something is never a good thing. Irritation means my eyes are on me and I'm not getting what I want. Irritation is an annoyance, a slight -- not a sharp pain or a deep wounding. Irritation is me-centered.
2. Impatience is basically just saying that I'm better than you, that my time is more important than yours. It's saying that I need what I need, and I need it now because everything revolves around me. Impatience is me-centered.
3. Arrogance is feeling superior to someone else, expanding their shortcomings -- and then looking to me, and minimizing my own faults. It's thinking I know best and giving myself much more credit than I deserve. Arrogance is me-centered.
4. Fear is removing God from the equation. It's looking ahead to the future -- and He's not there. It's looking around me in the present and not seeing Him anywhere. It's looking in the past and neglecting to see God's hand at work. Fear is me-centered.
5. Unforgiveness is looking at the sin committed against me, and forgetting the sins that I have committed against my Lord. It is holding on to my right to hold a grudge or exact payment for something done against me, and refusing to see the forgiveness that God has so graciously bestowed to me. Unforgiveness is me-centered.

Notice the one thing all of those have in common? I'm sure they jumped out at you … just as they did with me as I typed them. Each one of those items above are sins. Sin is always me-centered. Sin has taken the crown from God and placed it squarely on my big, ole' fat head. Sin is pulling God down from the heavens, looking Him in the eye, and declaring mutiny.

And sometimes, God allows me to take my sin and run with it. He gives me over to my selfish desires, knowing that ultimately, those selfish desires will be the end of me. The end leads to death, to destruction, to gaining what I think I want and winding up with nothing.

Sheesh! It's how I've lived most of my life. Sin has always been, and will always be a battle as long as I live here on this earth. God knows that, and He knows me. That's why He's given me His Word, to teach me. That's why He's given me His Spirit, to open the Word to me, to reveal His truth about Himself, about me.

How I love God's Word!! How I love His Spirit who speaks to me, who breathes life to me.  How I love that even though God may give me over to my me-centered desires at times, that He may allow me to make those destructive choices, He is never far away. All it takes is a slight turn in His direction and He's there. He's there!!! He's there with His arms stretched out to me, calling me to leave that destructive me-centered prison, and come in to the God-centered freedom.

I think the most important lesson that I have learned though is the fact that even though there will always be a battle with sin, SIN HAS NO POWER OVER ME!! Yes, I'm aware I typed all of that in caps. Yes, I'm aware that typing in all caps can be considered rude and is taken to be yelling. But come on! Don't you think those words should be shouted from the mountain tops?!? I mean, seriously. That's like the best news. Ever!!

When Jesus died on the cross (for my sin) and was resurrected, He conquered the power of sin and death … not just for me, but for you! For all of us! No longer were we slaves held captive by the power of sin. That was done -- once for all. Being irritated, impatient, arrogant, fearful or unforgiving are all choices. If I'm being any of those things, it's because I'm choosing to do them. 

I can't use the excuse that it's my character … or that my environment has made me that way … or that it's someone else's fault … or I'm just responding to something that someone has done. Sin is always, always, always a choice. And many times, it's the easiest choice. It's the choice everything in me is screaming at me to make. But His Spirit whispers for me to take my eyes off of me, to remember I've been set free, and make the choice to follow Him.

Because of Jesus, because of Who He is and what He has done, I am no longer a slave. I am a daughter of the King. I have a choice. And, because of Jesus, because of Who He is and what He has done, I choose Him. I choose to live in freedom with Him. I choose to live in celebration of the lessons learned.

Fear

If you know me at all, you know I'm kind of a weenie. My whole life has basically been characterized by fear. I'm scared of scary movies … tornados … heights … big dogs I don't know … boogie men … driving too fast. Sheesh. And that's just for a start. Then we get to the serious things that cause the greatest fear -- things like being out of control … something happening to our kids … being abandoned and rejected … not knowing what's ahead. Yep, life itself can be pretty scary, and I have let it define me for much of my life.

But God...

I was reading in the chapter of Judges today about Gideon. He too was characterized by fear. And he had good reason! The Midianites are encamped around Israel, brutally harassing them, eating all their food and taking their livestock. Israel's very survival was at stake, but the Midianites were huge in number. They just kept coming, kept coming. God calls Gideon, who was hiding out, to conquer the Midianites. Read the story. It's great!

The thing that stood out to me most is that God knew Gideon's heart. He knew that Gideon was afraid. He knew that Gideon felt forsaken by Him and totally alone. God patiently loved Gideon to a place where Gideon could trust Him. God spoke to Gideon and then proved Himself not once, but twice with a fleece of wool. (Again, read the story!)

But then what does God do? He asks Gideon to go down to the camp of the enemy. Don't hide. Don't run away. Face your fears. Stand up to the enemy. Basically, God is saying, "Now is the time for you to introduce your fears to Me."

When we stand up to our fears, strengthened in God, knowing His Word, knowing Him, what do we see? We don't just see with our physical eyes anymore. We don't just see from our perspective. God gives us a bigger picture. Oh, we might not see the future. In fact, we rarely do. We might not see any way at all that this battle can be won, but we know our God … especially in the midst of the pain, in the midst of the fear, in the midst of the uncertainty. When everything is stripped away from us, all that we placed our security in, all that we have is our Lord.

And that's enough.

It was enough for Gideon. It was enough for the 300 warriors (down from 32,000). God led Gideon to pare down his army, and called them in to battle … in the dark … close to midnight … with torches and jars … with no weapons. Can you imagine those men surrounding the camp of over 100,000 Midianites? With just a torch and jar? With only 300 men? Their hearts were pounding. Their throats were dry. Darkness surrounded them. Their thoughts baited them with the impossibility and stupidity of this situation. But every one of the 300 men stood his ground, standing up to his fear. They knew the One that they served.

What about you? What enemy do you face? What is it that terrifies you? I told you some of the things that I've struggled with. And I've had some even darker and bigger fears that consumed large chunks of my life. In each instance, God works with me like He did Gideon. Bit by bit, He strips down the things that I've put my security in. Bit by bit, He empties me of any human resources that I can depend on. Bit by bit, I get down to absolutely nothing. It gets to where it's just me … and Him. THEN, it's the perfect time for the battle to begin.

Why? Because the Lord goes before me and fights the battle, just like He did for Gideon and the Israelites in Judges 7. Sometimes He does it all. Sometimes He calls me to fight alongside Him. Always, He calls me to participate in my obedience and trust Him. Gideon and his men willingly stepped in to the scary, awful situation of facing their worst fear, of being 100% dependent on God doing what only He could do and doing what He said He'd do. Sometimes our great fear is just exactly what God uses to strengthen us, to bring us closer to Him.

All of our expectations have to be put to rest. Our expectation of what God should do and how He should do it. Our expectation of our own strength and power. Our expectation of what the battle looks like. Our expectation of our own battle plan. Our expectation of what the victory will look like. Honestly, we don't know the answer to any of those things. But, we know Who we follow. We know He is good, that He's patient and kind, that He's gentle, that He has our best at heart, that He loves us abundantly, that ultimately the battle is His.

Oh, my friend, if God is whittling you down to nothing, take heart! Face your fears in Him and KNOW that the victory is coming.

Write It Down

I've always been a note-taker. If I go to the grocery store, you can bet that I'll have my checklist with me. If I listen to sermons, I'm taking notes on what our pastor shares from God's Word. I've kept a journal since I was a young girl. In fact, you can pretty much find me every morning, sitting at my desk with a cup of tea, my Bible in front of me along with my notebook. God speaks to me from His Word, and I respond by writing back to Him. Yep, I like to write things down. There's just something about seeing the written word that cements something for me.

What an incredible blessing that has been! A few years back, I was going through a heart-wrenching experience. It was one of those circumstances where I was on my face before the Lord, praying and crying out to Him. Things weren't changing. Well, they WERE changing, but it wasn't for the better. Things seemed to pile up and pile up. It all looked to be so very much a situation without hope.

In the midst of all of this, God spoke to me faithfully from His Word. Oh, how I loved His Word (still do!). We'd spend hours together in the morning before I had to be at work, but God would speak tenderly to me, teaching me, correcting me, changing my heart, conquering the sin that lived within me. His Word was so very precious to me because it was just an extension of Him. Not just a book full of great stories. Not just a history book full of events. Not just a nice book with a happy ending. Not a self-help book. But a living, breathing Word for my every-day life, for my horrific situation, for my grieving heart. God showed up every single day for me through His Word.

He spoke to me. He spoke to me through His Word. He spoke to me through His Spirit.

And there were times that His Word would come to my mind during the day. I'd remember a Scripture passage that had meant so much … and see a different "angle" on it. I'd remember a story that hadn't made much sense, but had suddenly come in to focus. I'd have a thought that I KNEW wasn't from me. I was learning to recognize my Father's voice -- to be able to discern what was from Him, what was from the enemy, what was from me. All, I believe, because we spent so much time together in His Word.

One day, God told me to write down something He told me. Reluctantly, I did. Reluctantly because in the back of my mind, there was an incredible amount of doubt that it would actually happen. Remember, I was in the midst of a hopeless situation, surrounded by destruction and hostility. Did I really hear His voice? Did I hear Him correctly? But, I wrote it down. Dated it. Underlined it. Kept it where I could see it often so I could be reminded of His promise.

Not only did He tell me to write this all down, but He told me to share with two different people what He had told me. Gulp! Ok, writing it down was one thing because I was the only one who would see it. But tell other people?

Time marched on. Days went by. Weeks went by. Months went by. More than a year went by.  Even then, I constantly questioned whether I heard Him correctly. But I'd go again to what was written. I needed that reminder. I needed to see it in black and white, and not just leave the promise to my memory.

And one day … it happened. Just like He said it would, even down to the date! Not in the way I expected. Not even the way I would have wanted. But, it happened. Just like God had told me.

I know God had me write it down to help me during those discouraging moments, those times of doubt. He knows me. He knows my mind, my memory. He knows that I don't always hear Him correctly, that I don't do things perfectly. He knows that the enemy feeds me lies. He knows that my own intrusive thoughts question His faithfulness and goodness. So, because of that, I write. I've continued writing down what He teaches me, recording our time together, what He reveals.

One thing I know. God breathes His Word on me. It's spoken to me through His written Word. It's spoken to me through His Spirit. It's spoken to me through music, through other people. And I'm filling notebook after notebook of things that He has taught me -- notebooks that I can look through and remember the lesson, remember the word of encouragement, remember the deliverance, remember His love poured out on me. These are notebooks that I can use to minister to others, to pass along to others what God has done with me.

So, that's what we do. Our mornings together -- talking and writing, loving and breathing, learning and growing, falling deeper and deeper in love.

It's just what we do … 

Hopeless Romantic

I discovered something about myself in these last few years. Well, I knew it. I guess I've always known it. But I've seen it magnified x1000. I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic movies. I love happy endings. I love the idea of a knight in shining armor. Noah, from The Notebook? Yeah, he's kind of a dream guy -- 100% committed, a one-woman man, loving to distraction. --sigh-- Yeah. It's all wonderful.

Life isn't always romantic. Sometimes it's full of pain and wounds. Sometimes it's dirty dishes, bills and leaking toilets. Sometimes it's shattered dreams, broken promises.

But this is something that I've learned. All of those things I mentioned in the previous paragraph? Those are circumstances and situations. They are things that occur, and will very probably happen at one time or another in my life, but they don't define me. When I'm in the midst of the ugliness, it's hard to not think those things define my life or even me, but that's a big, fat, horrible lie that the enemy likes to feed to us.

Instead, that ugliness might be the very thing that opens our eyes to the beauty of our Savior.

The circumstances might be ugly, off balance, overwhelming, and however else you'd like to describe them. But the truth is that as a daughter of the Most High God, I am loved ... precious ... treasured ... secure ... accepted ... chosen ... safe ... restored. You know, everything that matters most to this romantic heart of mine.

And that changes everything. Absolutely everything. If something happens that I don't understand or is painful, I can rest knowing that He is in control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me. He's come for me! He's searched for me and rescued me! He has shielded me from the blows of the enemy. Oh, some of those blows got through, but they weren't death blows. Jesus took the death blow for me. Every single morning of my life, we meet together and the Spirit pours His love out over me, telling me over and over again how crazily He loves me. And this romantic heart of mine responds to that love. More than anything I want to know Him, to love Him, to bring Him great joy.

It all sounds like a romantic movie, doesn't it? Girl needs to be rescued and guy comes looking for her, committed to her, loving her more than his life. I've lived this movie. I'm continuing to live it, as the Scriptwriter of my life continues writing. I can guarantee you that there will be more "not romantic" things ahead, but I can also guarantee that the happy ending is coming. How do I know? Because my Bridegroom is the epitome of love.

I know to whom I belong.

"I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine..."

Healing

One thing I've discovered about healing. You can't hurry up the process. If your bone is broken, you can't wish it to be whole immediately. You can't baby it and pamper it and cause it to be strong again "right now". You can't ignore it like it never happened and immediately run a 3K. You can't use your will, or your determination, or your control to fix a broken bone this very moment. Healing takes time. It takes patience. It takes endurance. It takes faith.

Brokenness can happen in a myriad of ways -- financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally, vocationally. And brokenness always … always … always is painful. There's no getting over that fact. The amazing part is that brokenness usually happens with one swift strike. There's an immediate break, an instantaneous crushing, a ripping apart.

Some wounds are death blows. They run deep and it seems there's no way to recover. The wounds become like chains that hold me down. I get frustrated with the progress (or lack of it). I get impatient with myself. God specializes in all kinds of healing, but especially those that are the deepest wounds. The bigger the chains, the more incredible His work. He longs to set me free, to heal me. 

But healing? It takes time. It's much slower than the wounding.

Here's what I've learned in my own brokenness. When it happens, my first instinct is to cry out to God to fix it, to make it better, to repair it. I want the pain and sadness to be over and for life to be comfortable. I want to feel happy, to feel good, and I usually have a plan of action that I think God should take for that to happen. God has more going on than just the circumstances around me though. I've learned that oftentimes something within me needs to be conquered before He will work on the obstacles before me. So, the healing seems to veer off track (according to me) and God takes His time working in me, takes His time in dealing with those chains.

He knows me. He knows what I need even when I think I know what's best.

This is the time that I've learned to step back, to look to God's perspective rather than mine, and trust Him in what He's doing -- even though I'm grieving, or hurting, or confused, or not understanding. Either I believe Him … or I don't. It's always a choice.

If I don't embrace His lessons, if I don't allow His slow healing process and my transformation, then that brokenness can be a waste. The chains of wounding continue to hold me captive. Honestly, I can't afford for that to ever happen again with me. Instead, I enter into the furnace of surrender and allow Him to remove all the impurities that have floated to the surface. He transforms my loss, my brokenness, my grief into wholeness, into blessings for others, into new life for me. Slowly. Over time. Sometimes in imperceptible ways. But surely.

The amazing thing? While I'm surrendering to Him, while I'm looking to Him for how to live this life after the brokenness, a miracle is happening. Healing is taking place. It's not all at once. It's bit by bit. It's conquering old feelings of doubt and pain. It's covering up old memories of grief and brokenness. It's allowing my mind to be renewed by His Word and learning to look to Him in the midst of all of it. It's allowing Him to love me and loving Him in return. It's knowing that God is working within me, around me, through me and for me. God knows what He's doing … and there's great comfort in that for me. He's working … and I'm healing.

My amazing Father in heaven breaks the chains of brokenness to set me free. How my heart longs to be free … and how His heart longs to set the captives free!! He's my Jehovah Rapha -- the God Who Heals.

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:36)

How Will God Do This One?

God's Word, His requests, His plans are absolutely impossible. So often, He asked His people to do what made no sense.

• Go stand in the Jordan River, which by the way, is in its peak time of rushing over the banks.
• Leave your people, your home, and without a map, go where I tell you without knowing where that is. 
• Listen to the tops of the mulberry trees and you'll know when to go into battle. 
• Pick up the knife before you and sacrifice all of your hopes and dreams. 
• The giant before you is outfitted in impenetrable armor, but you've got 3 rocks. 
• Yeah, you can walk on top of water.
• Feed 5000+ people with a little boy's lunch, and it wasn't even anything awesome like a McDonald's Happy Meal -- it was icky fish!

Seriously? I mean, really. Seriously?!? And He tops it off by saying, look to me. Listen to me.

There's a verse that resonates with me in Joshua 3:4b "Do not come near it [the Ark of the Covenant] in order that you may know the way you shall go, for you have not passed this way before." There are times in my life where God has had me hold up, back off, and put some space between my expectations and Him.

A very wise woman once told me that it's like looking at a huge panoramic painting. When I stand back and get the proper perspective, I appreciate all of the beautiful art. However, I, a very detailed person, can stand with my nose pressed up to the painting and miss all of the beauty of it. Oh, I can see the brush strokes or the different blending, but I miss the fascinating picture before me.

I can do the same thing with God's Word. I'm desperately searching for answers to my problems, looking for God's specific direction regarding my circumstances. I come to His Word with my nose pressed in, looking for that ONE thing, begging for the fix that I think I so desperately need. When I do that, I can lose sight of what He actually wants me to see. This takes great effort, total confidence and faith in Him. I MUST let go of my preconceived ideas of how He's supposed to work, of how my life is supposed to be going, of how the storm is supposed to be quieted. There cannot be an obsession to find that one thing at the expense of missing out on all that He wants me to see. So, I back up a little bit. I get some space and perspective and allow God to do His perfect work.

And then, usually I find that He asks me to do the impossible, the senseless. I'm out of my element. I have no control. I am unable to understand. And God is perfectly aware of it. I'm in the deepest waters imaginable, and it's over my head. God tells me this is the perfect thing for me. He has much more for me than just the one answer I'm looking for.

What can I do? Flail around and get exhausted? Let the rage grow until I am in the middle of the ocean trying to find a place to land? Write it all off as impossible and look for another way? Manipulate, control and connive? Yep, I've tried all of those things at one point or another, but the only thing I can do is to look to Him. Don't try to understand. Don't try to figure it all out. Don't try to run ahead and help Him with all the process. Be obedient. Take Him at His Word. Wait. Trust. Rest in Him.

If He asks me to do something, it's because He has enabled me to do it. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be comfortable. It doesn't have to be easy. But my eyes are on Jesus, and He beckons me to trust Him, to take that first step. That's all He asks. He'll do the rest if I just look to Him.

I might wonder: How will God do this one? But that's just what He's waiting for -- to bring the dead back to life, to perform this miraculous rescue, for me to see that it's all Him. The impossible obstacles, the heartbreaking griefs, the terrifying storms are not to be seen as the end … but as the glorious opportunity to see God work in the midst of all of it.

And as I keep my eyes on Him, as I follow Him in the midst of the unthinkable, the river of impossibility will dry up.

I. Will. Make. It. Because. Of. Him.

His blessings always follow my letting go, my trusting Him to do what only He can do. It's His delight to do those very things that I cannot … and it is my blessing to watch Him do it!

My I AM

I love God's name. Jehovah. Yahweh. The Great I AM. It can be confusing to read through the Bible and see all of His different names. Jehovah Jireh - the God who Provides. El Roi - the God who sees. Elohim - Creator. Adonai - Lord, Master. El Shaddai - God Almighty. Jehovah Rapha - The Lord your Healer. El Elyon - God Most High. Abba - Father. Not different Gods. Each name highlights a different aspect of His character.

All of those names have been who I've seen Him to be, who He's been with me. Times of brokenness called for Him to be Jehovah-Shammah, the Restorer. Times of turmoil called for Him to be Jehovah-Shalom, Peace. But, always, from the very beginning I needed to be rescued -- from the dangers around me, from the sin within me. Jesus. My Savior. My Yeshua.

Reading through the Old Testament, God reminds me of my brokenness, of my sinful choices, of my total need to be saved. And I didn't just read it. I lived it. I still fight living that way. All the way through, He hints of a coming rescue. There's light ahead!

Because of His incredible grace, God doesn't leave me in a state of helplessness and destruction. He doesn't create me to fight these battles on my own. The mourning, the ashes, the death -- these are real aspects of our lives here on earth. Because of His great love, He extends Himself to me. He is the true definition of a knight in shining armor, an armor He Himself is, coming to rescue His love from the devouring dragon. Don't you just love it?

The King of Kings, the powerful God who has named the stars, who holds all of time, history and future in His hands -- He came for me, for you!!

How great our need was! How powerful His love was (is!). He made the payment. He served the sentence. Did I deserve His forgiveness? Did I deserve His free gift? I wish I could say that I did, that there was a little bit of wonderful within me … but nope. Nothing in me deserved what He did for me, what He continues to do for me. 

I might want to point out something good within me -- how nice I am to animals, how I don't cheat on my taxes, how I politely let someone go before me. But if I'm really honest, if I truly inspect myself, I see that all of that doesn't go to the depths of me. The me inside the depths of me is ugly, is broken, is 100% self-centered. And that is the basis for the brokenness in my life.

It doesn't have to stay that way.

Jesus came to change all of that!

His suffering, His death upon on the cross. His resurrection. It all meant something. It all provided the means for me to become whole in spite of my brokenness by sin. It brought me into God's presence -- holy and clean, for the first time in my existence. He did it all so that He could be for me all that I need. Comfort. Help. Rescue. Provision. Healing. He is my I AM. He is all that I need, all that my heart desires. 

My freedom. His glory. 

My I AM.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDoABiTx42I (courtesy of Crowder)

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. My first thought today was to look back. God has drilled that in to my mind and heart these last few years. Look back to Him, to what He's done … and then I'm strengthened to move ahead. These last years have been full of deep joy, deep grief, laughter, tears, choices, brokenness, humility. There have been some hard lessons learned, some lessons that I continue with.

But one thing stands out. I was never alone. My Heavenly Father was (and is!) with me every moment. Never alone. Never.

Much of the healing has happened, and I'm able to look back over the deep, wounding griefs with a little bit of separation, without full collapse. Instead, I see how that very thing -- the utter brokenness of my soul -- was what led to God's transformation in me, His strengthening. I lived my worst nightmare, and somehow God turned that horrible form of death into something I had never imagined it could be. What was dead and broken is now growing and flourishing … and so am I.

I've heard how a seed has to die before there's a new plant. Some things need to be crushed before the beautiful fragrance can be released. A candle has to burn before there's light. Gold has to go through the smelting process before it is truly valuable. Muscles have to be broken down before they're strengthened. Do you see where I'm going here? Sometimes, the best part of life comes after the most devastating seasons. Sometimes we need to be truly broken before we appreciate what is before us, before we become the best we can be.

I don't understand how that's possible. I don't understand all about seeds. I don't understand how strength comes from being broken. All I know is that God is fully capable. He just asks us to hang in there with him in the midst of the mourning, the ashes, the fiery furnace, the storm. He knows what's ahead even if we don't. The death leads to new life. The crushing leads to fragrance. The burning leads to light. The brokenness leads to strength. That's what God does.

Endurance. Perseverance. Tough words. Even tougher to live them. We don't have to have all the answers. We don't have to understand. We don't even have to endure and persevere perfectly, because we definitely won't. We just have to know who God is … to trust Him with all we have … to know of His deep love and care for us. There is no better place to be than with Him in the middle of the crushing, the burning, the dying, the brokenness. His promise is that those times are not permanent, and we WILL experience the beauty of the newness if we only hang in there. He's not just working on the circumstances, He's working on us in the middle of the circumstances.

Qatar has become one of my favorite Hebrew words. In fact, I'd like to think that this is the name that God will give me when He welcomes me home after my life here has ended. Qatar means "to turn in to fragrance by fire, especially as an act of worship." May the fire that He has allowed in my life be something that brings glory to Him, brings a fragrant sacrifice of worship! May I, the tiny seed that has died, the candle that has been burned, be qatar to Him, to those around me.

So, today, I'm celebrating. Celebrating another year of life. Celebrating that getting older has in fact led to growing wiser, thanks to Him. Celebrating beauty after the ashes, the dancing after the mourning. Celebrating that I am a daughter of the King, the great I AM. Celebrating that my story continues to be written by the greatest Author of all time. Celebrating all of the gifts that He has given me. Celebrating that this time of growth has been a fragrant offering to Him.

Happy birthday to me! I am Qatar!