How Will God Do This One?

God's Word, His requests, His plans are absolutely impossible. So often, He asked His people to do what made no sense.

• Go stand in the Jordan River, which by the way, is in its peak time of rushing over the banks.
• Leave your people, your home, and without a map, go where I tell you without knowing where that is. 
• Listen to the tops of the mulberry trees and you'll know when to go into battle. 
• Pick up the knife before you and sacrifice all of your hopes and dreams. 
• The giant before you is outfitted in impenetrable armor, but you've got 3 rocks. 
• Yeah, you can walk on top of water.
• Feed 5000+ people with a little boy's lunch, and it wasn't even anything awesome like a McDonald's Happy Meal -- it was icky fish!

Seriously? I mean, really. Seriously?!? And He tops it off by saying, look to me. Listen to me.

There's a verse that resonates with me in Joshua 3:4b "Do not come near it [the Ark of the Covenant] in order that you may know the way you shall go, for you have not passed this way before." There are times in my life where God has had me hold up, back off, and put some space between my expectations and Him.

A very wise woman once told me that it's like looking at a huge panoramic painting. When I stand back and get the proper perspective, I appreciate all of the beautiful art. However, I, a very detailed person, can stand with my nose pressed up to the painting and miss all of the beauty of it. Oh, I can see the brush strokes or the different blending, but I miss the fascinating picture before me.

I can do the same thing with God's Word. I'm desperately searching for answers to my problems, looking for God's specific direction regarding my circumstances. I come to His Word with my nose pressed in, looking for that ONE thing, begging for the fix that I think I so desperately need. When I do that, I can lose sight of what He actually wants me to see. This takes great effort, total confidence and faith in Him. I MUST let go of my preconceived ideas of how He's supposed to work, of how my life is supposed to be going, of how the storm is supposed to be quieted. There cannot be an obsession to find that one thing at the expense of missing out on all that He wants me to see. So, I back up a little bit. I get some space and perspective and allow God to do His perfect work.

And then, usually I find that He asks me to do the impossible, the senseless. I'm out of my element. I have no control. I am unable to understand. And God is perfectly aware of it. I'm in the deepest waters imaginable, and it's over my head. God tells me this is the perfect thing for me. He has much more for me than just the one answer I'm looking for.

What can I do? Flail around and get exhausted? Let the rage grow until I am in the middle of the ocean trying to find a place to land? Write it all off as impossible and look for another way? Manipulate, control and connive? Yep, I've tried all of those things at one point or another, but the only thing I can do is to look to Him. Don't try to understand. Don't try to figure it all out. Don't try to run ahead and help Him with all the process. Be obedient. Take Him at His Word. Wait. Trust. Rest in Him.

If He asks me to do something, it's because He has enabled me to do it. It doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't have to be comfortable. It doesn't have to be easy. But my eyes are on Jesus, and He beckons me to trust Him, to take that first step. That's all He asks. He'll do the rest if I just look to Him.

I might wonder: How will God do this one? But that's just what He's waiting for -- to bring the dead back to life, to perform this miraculous rescue, for me to see that it's all Him. The impossible obstacles, the heartbreaking griefs, the terrifying storms are not to be seen as the end … but as the glorious opportunity to see God work in the midst of all of it.

And as I keep my eyes on Him, as I follow Him in the midst of the unthinkable, the river of impossibility will dry up.

I. Will. Make. It. Because. Of. Him.

His blessings always follow my letting go, my trusting Him to do what only He can do. It's His delight to do those very things that I cannot … and it is my blessing to watch Him do it!

My I AM

I love God's name. Jehovah. Yahweh. The Great I AM. It can be confusing to read through the Bible and see all of His different names. Jehovah Jireh - the God who Provides. El Roi - the God who sees. Elohim - Creator. Adonai - Lord, Master. El Shaddai - God Almighty. Jehovah Rapha - The Lord your Healer. El Elyon - God Most High. Abba - Father. Not different Gods. Each name highlights a different aspect of His character.

All of those names have been who I've seen Him to be, who He's been with me. Times of brokenness called for Him to be Jehovah-Shammah, the Restorer. Times of turmoil called for Him to be Jehovah-Shalom, Peace. But, always, from the very beginning I needed to be rescued -- from the dangers around me, from the sin within me. Jesus. My Savior. My Yeshua.

Reading through the Old Testament, God reminds me of my brokenness, of my sinful choices, of my total need to be saved. And I didn't just read it. I lived it. I still fight living that way. All the way through, He hints of a coming rescue. There's light ahead!

Because of His incredible grace, God doesn't leave me in a state of helplessness and destruction. He doesn't create me to fight these battles on my own. The mourning, the ashes, the death -- these are real aspects of our lives here on earth. Because of His great love, He extends Himself to me. He is the true definition of a knight in shining armor, an armor He Himself is, coming to rescue His love from the devouring dragon. Don't you just love it?

The King of Kings, the powerful God who has named the stars, who holds all of time, history and future in His hands -- He came for me, for you!!

How great our need was! How powerful His love was (is!). He made the payment. He served the sentence. Did I deserve His forgiveness? Did I deserve His free gift? I wish I could say that I did, that there was a little bit of wonderful within me … but nope. Nothing in me deserved what He did for me, what He continues to do for me. 

I might want to point out something good within me -- how nice I am to animals, how I don't cheat on my taxes, how I politely let someone go before me. But if I'm really honest, if I truly inspect myself, I see that all of that doesn't go to the depths of me. The me inside the depths of me is ugly, is broken, is 100% self-centered. And that is the basis for the brokenness in my life.

It doesn't have to stay that way.

Jesus came to change all of that!

His suffering, His death upon on the cross. His resurrection. It all meant something. It all provided the means for me to become whole in spite of my brokenness by sin. It brought me into God's presence -- holy and clean, for the first time in my existence. He did it all so that He could be for me all that I need. Comfort. Help. Rescue. Provision. Healing. He is my I AM. He is all that I need, all that my heart desires. 

My freedom. His glory. 

My I AM.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDoABiTx42I (courtesy of Crowder)

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my birthday. My first thought today was to look back. God has drilled that in to my mind and heart these last few years. Look back to Him, to what He's done … and then I'm strengthened to move ahead. These last years have been full of deep joy, deep grief, laughter, tears, choices, brokenness, humility. There have been some hard lessons learned, some lessons that I continue with.

But one thing stands out. I was never alone. My Heavenly Father was (and is!) with me every moment. Never alone. Never.

Much of the healing has happened, and I'm able to look back over the deep, wounding griefs with a little bit of separation, without full collapse. Instead, I see how that very thing -- the utter brokenness of my soul -- was what led to God's transformation in me, His strengthening. I lived my worst nightmare, and somehow God turned that horrible form of death into something I had never imagined it could be. What was dead and broken is now growing and flourishing … and so am I.

I've heard how a seed has to die before there's a new plant. Some things need to be crushed before the beautiful fragrance can be released. A candle has to burn before there's light. Gold has to go through the smelting process before it is truly valuable. Muscles have to be broken down before they're strengthened. Do you see where I'm going here? Sometimes, the best part of life comes after the most devastating seasons. Sometimes we need to be truly broken before we appreciate what is before us, before we become the best we can be.

I don't understand how that's possible. I don't understand all about seeds. I don't understand how strength comes from being broken. All I know is that God is fully capable. He just asks us to hang in there with him in the midst of the mourning, the ashes, the fiery furnace, the storm. He knows what's ahead even if we don't. The death leads to new life. The crushing leads to fragrance. The burning leads to light. The brokenness leads to strength. That's what God does.

Endurance. Perseverance. Tough words. Even tougher to live them. We don't have to have all the answers. We don't have to understand. We don't even have to endure and persevere perfectly, because we definitely won't. We just have to know who God is … to trust Him with all we have … to know of His deep love and care for us. There is no better place to be than with Him in the middle of the crushing, the burning, the dying, the brokenness. His promise is that those times are not permanent, and we WILL experience the beauty of the newness if we only hang in there. He's not just working on the circumstances, He's working on us in the middle of the circumstances.

Qatar has become one of my favorite Hebrew words. In fact, I'd like to think that this is the name that God will give me when He welcomes me home after my life here has ended. Qatar means "to turn in to fragrance by fire, especially as an act of worship." May the fire that He has allowed in my life be something that brings glory to Him, brings a fragrant sacrifice of worship! May I, the tiny seed that has died, the candle that has been burned, be qatar to Him, to those around me.

So, today, I'm celebrating. Celebrating another year of life. Celebrating that getting older has in fact led to growing wiser, thanks to Him. Celebrating beauty after the ashes, the dancing after the mourning. Celebrating that I am a daughter of the King, the great I AM. Celebrating that my story continues to be written by the greatest Author of all time. Celebrating all of the gifts that He has given me. Celebrating that this time of growth has been a fragrant offering to Him.

Happy birthday to me! I am Qatar!

Numb

I Love You

 Saying “I love you” has become so cheap. I love ice cream. I love going on vacation. I love puppies. But what does love really mean? The love that my soul cries out for, the love I was created for. What is it?

God showed me today. I sat down to have my time with Him as I do every morning and we opened up the Word and went to 1 Corinthians 13. First, we see that there are several types of love. Eros is the erotic, sensual love. It’s romantic and full of emotion. Storge refers to family love, like between parent and child. Philia speaks of affection and friendship, probably the highest level of love that man on his own is capable of.  Me? I want that agape love. A love that is unchanging, unconditional. I want God to love this agape love through me because I’m sure not able on my own.

Here are my observations and my paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13:

Love is not a feeling but more of an action. 

It means I choose you. 

I am set on you. 

I endure with you, for you. 

I will serve you. 

I won’t bubble over or blow up when I get angry. 

I won’t be a show-off who needs attention, or a proud puffed-up arrogant creep. 

I won’t demand my own way. 

I won’t try to make you angry. 

I won’t count up and hold onto all of the wrongs committed against me and cling to the hurt. 

Instead I will share in God’s grace with you, His grace that extends to both of us. 

I will endure in every condition, be confident in every situation, actively wait for God’s fulfillment in every moment, and remain steadfast in God‘s power. 

Never will I walk away. 

Never will I allow this to end, because I choose you. 

That is what Jesus does for me and when I say “I love you”, that is my choice for you. 

How grateful I am that God doesn’t waste anything, even when I do my best to mess it up. And He began it all by reminding me of how He loves me, by painting the picture of 1 Corinthians 13. Slowly, steadily, He’s transforming me from the inside out, teaching me how to live, how to love. 

I love you. It’s more than just words...

Enough

I keep telling myself that maybe I’ll do this thing again one of these days. I’ve always loved writing. It’s kind of like painting a self portrait with words.

But then along came THAT day, and words left me. I was a quivering broken mass on the living room floor, unsure of which end was up, what was true, who I could trust. I thought I had known it all, but as it turned out...I knew nothing.

I had to all start again from square one. There were no instructions. There was no road map. There were no guarantees. Just building blocks while someone else kicked them down over and over again. Just digging out a hole while someone kept piling more dirt in. Just trying to heal a wound while someone kept ripping open the scab. Square one. Again and again.

Will I ever forget that suffocating pain? Will I ever get past the dark loneliness that engulfed me? The hopeless helplessness of not knowing truth, of realizing much of my life and what I had counted on were in fact lies and deception. I had been a fool. A rejected and despised fool. Anger. Agony. Betrayal. Death. I experienced it all. Again and again.

If that were all of the story, it would be really a crappy read. What I found was the glimmer of light in the darkness, the tiny shoot of growth in the burned field. What I was shown was a different perspective, a different way of thinking. My nose was rubbed in the dark facts of the circumstances surrounding me, but God had a deeper truth for me to see. Facts are not always truth. Truth is not always easy to see, especially when your heart is wounded and you’re blinded by grief.

The truth? What was meant for destruction and death actually became a rebirth. What had seemingly been broken beyond repair still had this tiny sliver of life holding the two pieces together. Impossible life surrounded by certain death. But it was there.

The deepest truth? God was there. In the midst of the rubble. In the darkness of night. Whispering His

love to me, asking me to trust Him, promising to teach me and guide me in each step of the uncertain journey ahead. His hands were that of a surgeon, cutting out the poison that threatened to kill me, bringing healing to a damaged soul, life to a walking dead. Daily. Moment by moment. Repetition. Over and over. Again and again.

That became enough. 

My Un-Day

I was having an un-day. Have you ever experienced one of those? Pick any positive word and put "un" before it. That's an un-day. I felt unattractive, unloved, unsecure, unworthy, unpopular, undisciplined, unsure, uninspiring, unaccepted ... and some made up "un" words as well (unfun, unskinny, untall, unfashionable, unsmooth, unyoung, etc.). There was absolutely nothing that I liked about myself on this day. I knew I was having a problem and God and I had talked about it at length in our morning time together. 

One of the things I absolutely adore about God is that He doesn't bang you over the head with something. He has faithfully let me know of His love, of His acceptance, regardless of my circumstances and how I feel about myself. And in those times when I am having an un-day (whether it's real or imagined), God GENTLY reminds me of my worth in Him. He doesn't condemn me for my feelings, but loves me in spite of them.

So, I was having an un-day. I was desperately trying to change my perspective so that I wouldn't dwell on my failings and shortcomings and make myself more miserable than I already was. Plus, I knew that intensely disliking myself wasn't pleasing to God and didn't particularly make me loveable to those people around me either. And since I'm in the middle of the Joy Dare (a year long program of focusing on everyday gifts in life to be thankful for), I already had some help in working towards changing that perspective. The assignment for today was to find three surprising gifts in unexpected places. Hmmmm. Seemed a tough assignment, especially when I was coming from such a negative place anyway. But I was going to look for the unexpected gifts.

And I found them ... in my husband's hug that seemed a little longer that morning ... in our dogs that sensed my mood and just wanted to cuddle with me. But it wasn't until I was on my afternoon walk that I found the last one -- the one that brought tears to my eyes and truly was a thank-you moment to God. I was walking along the walking trail in our park, and there in the middle of the rocky pathway was a big, fat, yellow dandelion. The dandelion didn't belong there. Dandelions don't grow in blacktop pathways. Someone had picked it and then dropped it. It had been put there specifically ... for me! Just like the days when my children would lovingly make me a huge dandelion bouquet and present their gift to me in their chubby little hands, so I instantly knew that God had placed this dandelion in this time, in this place, for me to find. And like my children always said "I love you" as they gave me their precious flowers, I heard God whisper to me, "I love you today and always".

My un-day quickly disappeared. It's amazing how focusing on God and His gifts can change our negative attitudes and thoughts. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at a dandelion in the same way again.