Thursday, June 30, 2011

It's Broken. Call The Waaaambulance.

I'm going to be spending most all of my summer recuperating from surgery. Now, please don't feel sorry for me. I've been doing enough of that for myself. It's really ridiculous how nervous and pathetic I've been about this. My health is supposed to be perfect forever, ya know. Add to that the fact that our youngest son has just gotten married and it's hit me this week that he's truly out of the nest and no longer "mine" (sniff! sniff!)... and one of his life-long best friends shipped out to Afghanistan for a year ... and our other children are living their lives and doing their "thing" apart from us because they don't "need" us anymore ... and my son is going to take "his" dog (who has adopted me and become MY dog) with him to his new house ... and our money situation is looking scary with all of the upcoming medical bills ... and I've gained a pound and a half (that's really the worst news of all!) ... blah blah blah ... yada yada yada ... somebody call the waaaambulance ... and all of a sudden, I'm feeling very old and very tired.

Of course, that's not true. I'm not VERY old -- although I am very tired. It just all depends upon where I'm looking.

I was talking with a friend the other day and we were talking about how our lives aren't going the way we thought they would be. Not that either one of has a "bad" life because we certainly don't. In fact, we're both really blessed. But, at the same time, we had certain expectations and ideas of where we'd be in this stage of life ... and yeah, we're not experiencing those expectations. And whenever there are unmet expectations, discouragement and feelings of being overwhelmed follow, especially when I'm focusing on myself.

My question is this: Where did those expectations come from? And why do I expect God to meet those expectations and dreams that I'VE planned?

Over and over and over in my life, God has shown me that His plans are different than mine. We've established that. Yet, Diana still clings to her dreams, her fantasies, her ideas of a perfect world, and then gets frustrated when it doesn't turn out according to plan. I've had dreams and goals for my children, for my husband and I, for our extended family, for our friends ... and I can't make everyone do what I want! I can't turn back the hands of time. I can't fix everything for everyone. And I certainly can't turn this life in to a scripted movie where everything goes according to my plan.

Shattered dreams? I don't know if I'd go that far, but definitely different things going on than what I expected. What I'm finding is that oftentimes God allows our dreams to "shatter" so that we see our ultimate dream of knowing Him becomes the one that is most important. He removes the crutches, allows the waves to rise higher than my boat, puts me on a high slippery slope, sets me in a huge dark area where I'm unsure of my surroundings ... are you getting the idea like I am? It's through my disappointments and discouragements (or even just unforeseen circumstances) that bring me face to face with Him. He removes the crutches so He can be the One I lean on. He allows the waves to rise higher than my boat so that I see Him as my Savior. He puts me on the high slippery slope so that I depend upon Him. He sets me in a huge dark area so I'll look to Him as my light and guidance. He allows my dreams to shatter so that He can give me His dreams -- the right and perfect ones.

Shattered dreams? Maybe. But maybe they were dreams that needed to be shattered so God could take His rightful place.

I'm still learning. He's still teaching. It's all a part of Finding Me in Him ...

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