Goliath Ain't Got Nothin'!

If you're anything like me, there are things from your past that often rise up. I was just dealing with this recently. An event from the past had been shoved in my face (by a calendar, of all things!).  All you need to know is that I was dealing with a huge attack of fear, of remembering the pain, of having details of the heart-wrenching hurt brought into clear focus.

My husband, who is a very wise man, was patient and loving with me. He reminded me of the fact that when I gave birth to each of our beautiful children, I left the pain of childbirth behind in the hospital. As each year rolls around, I don't remember the pain that I experienced. Instead, I focus on the beautiful baby (now amazing adult) that each of our children are. My focus. That was the secret. Where was I looking?

Then, I came to God and His Word. We started out with the way my husband had led me, and God took me even deeper. We came to the story of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17. We see that Goliath, this huge giant of a man, came out every day from his Philistine tent and taunted the Israelite army before him. He was almost 10 feet tall and was a massive picture of strength and power. Before the Israelites ever began the battle, they were conquered by the thought of his might and strength. Immediately, I saw that my heartache of the past was just like that.  It had grown to giant-sized proportions and become a Goliath to me. Day in and day out, it would call to me. It was constant, unrelentless, And me? I was a cowering, trembling mess, just like those Israelite warriors. They were decked out in their armor, carrying their swords and shields in shaking hands. Oh, there were weapons, but they were uselessly hanging by their sides, chained to them by their fear. They knew they couldn't beat this crazy huge giant before them. It was impossible. And it was ... for them.

David knew however that he couldn't look at things like the Israelite army did. He couldn't see through the lens of the world. He knew where he needed to be looking. I'm the same way. When I look at the massive monster in front of me, if I'm looking at my own power, if I'm looking back to the pain that caused it, then it grows out of proportion to a size that will not allow me to conquer it. But, if I look through the lens of Christ, if I remember back to all the works of God and His hands, if I focus on Him, amazingly that giant before me begins to shrink.

The taunting, screaming words of the pain drop down to a whisper. The piercing heartache becomes a conquerable feeling. And that feeling? It is obvious that it is a lie. Why? Because my God, my I AM is bigger, more powerful, victorious than any giant of a monster out there.

David knew the secret. It was the name of his God that could conquer armies. David had seen deliverance in the past as he shepherded his father's sheep. A lion or a bear would attack the sheep, and David fought it, knowing that his God was fighting for him. Over and over and over again, David had been delivered. As I read, God reminded me of the ways He had delivered me. He had delivered me from the circumstances that caused such grief. He had delivered me from living in the midst of the fear and suffering. I had already been delivered.

To look back, after the deliverance, was just asking for a Goliath. And, sure enough, Goliath showed up. He didn't know it, but his defeat was imminent.

David put on the armor that Saul gave to him. He was going to fight a mighty warrior, and people said he needed the weaponry of the world. It didn't fit. It wouldn't work. It was actually more of a hindrance than a protection. So David took it off. He knew what he needed, and God had already supplied it. It had worked for David in the past with his lions and bears, and because he knew that His God was the One over it all, he knew it would work for him again now. A simple shepherd's sling. 5 smooth stones. And his eyes fixed firmly on his sovereign God.

Me? I had been delivered from the circumstances of the past. I had seen the miracles of God's hands and known of His rescue. The reminder of where I needed to be looking was strong. And what had worked for me in the past? God's precious Word. His phrases, His expressions, His tender mercies in black and white that had wiped away my tears. God's Spirit. His presence that whispered of His love and power to me. I visualized God's Spirit as the hand holding the sling. There was nothing that could conquer me, no giant too big for me with God's hand gripping the weapon.

The huge Goliath was felled with one small stone. It didn't matter how big he was. It didn't matter how many battles he had won before. The brutal words he spouted were of no account. His weapons of steel were powerless. He shrunk down in the presence of the Almighty God, and a rock between the eyes was all it took. When I look at my fears with God's eyes, when I see them as He does, the monster loses its teeth. The claws disappear. And the giant is reduced to nothing.

David wasn't content to just let the pebble do the work though. He knew that very often giants can be resurrected. Maybe the first strike will daze them, but they'll be back. There was to be a death. After God did the initial work with that little rock, David ran towards the big, scary creature lying on the field of battle. Again, David was fearless because he knew who the real Fighter and Warrior was. And, he grabbed the mighty sword of Goliath and cut off his head. Uh, yeah. Even a huge monstrous giant can't come back from that. He killed the fear of Israel.

God tells me to do the same thing. When I've looked through the lens of Christ, when I've had His hand flinging the stone of His Word, when the giant has fallen before me, the job is almost finished. Now, it's my turn. It's time to cut off the head of fear. Isn't it interesting that God has us deliver the final blow? He knows we need to be involved in this battle as well. I'm not to be just a cowering warrior while God fights for me and protects me. I am to be active, involved, fighting with Him when He shouts the call. And how do I do that? By declaring to Whom I belong! By shouting that my I AM is bigger, stronger, mightier and that He will be the victor. By roaring the promises of His Word. By looking with remembrance in the past and present to His deliverance. By trusting Him. By knowing Him. By actively taking those fearful thoughts captive and replacing them with the truth of His Spirit. Oh yes, God has given me all that I need to cut off the head of the writhing, defeated enemy.

And then? David took the armor of Goliath home with him. He took the bloody mess that had covered the giant facing him, and placed it in his tent. Why? To serve as a reminder of God's deliverance. To be a picture to him of what God had done. How can I do this same thing? By writing it down. Spelling it all out in black and white what God has taught me, shown me, delivered me. Telling others, just like I'm telling you now. If I were a painter, I could paint a picture.  If I were a carpenter, I could carve a reminder. If I were a mason, I could make a stone tower. Stack those stones and don't forget what God has done. Anything as a remembrance of what He has done..and then revisit it often!

David's triumph just reminds me of the victory I have in Jesus, the ultimate victor. Jesus has already won the greatest battle, and He whispers to me to hang in there, to keep fighting alongside Him, to look to Him as we journey through this life that is most often a great battleground. I've read the book. I know what happens on the last page of the story. Where am I looking? At the giant before me? At the pain of childbirth? Or the precious baby I'm holding? Goliath ain't got nothin'!

** An endnote: thank you to my incredible husband who listened to God's whisper and got this whole ball rolling. Happy birthday to us!

Beautiful Scars

When our little girl was 7, we rushed her to the hospital because she was having an appendicitis attack. It ruptured before we got there, and she was one sick little girl. Because it ruptured, they kept her a few days … and instead of getting better, she continued to get worse and worse. She couldn't walk … could barely move … her fever shot up again … she began vomiting. The surgeon told us that he needed to go in again and try to find what the problem was. So, again she went to the operating room. An abscess and blockage, removal of part of her colon, cleaning out all the infection -- and they said this time she'd be better. Our doctor told us he had been very concerned about her and that if this had happened 10 years earlier, they wouldn't have had the medical equipment and knowledge to have kept her alive. We had almost lost her. She spent two weeks in the hospital, recovering, slowly gaining her strength back. When we brought her home, she was skin and bones … but she was alive.

Fast forward 10 years and she was a vibrant, beautiful 17-year-old who hated the scar on her stomach with a passion. If she wore a 2-piece bathing suit, someone invariably commented on it. She would tell me vehemently that she thought it was the ugliest scar she had ever seen. She looked at it and saw ugly.

I saw life.

Without that scar, our little girl wouldn't be here with us today.

And I wonder. Does God look at my scars the same way? My scars might not be physical, but they're there. I, like my daughter, have hated my scars. To me, they were signs of brokenness, of failure, of defeat, of wounding. Those scars would bring up the feelings of the past, the pain of the injuries. They were the ugly in the picture of my life.

Then, it struck me one day. Maybe God looks at my scars the way I look at the scar on my precious daughter's stomach. What was heading towards certain death wound up being completely restored into life. Honestly, is there anything more beautiful than that? The scars of my life are all from painful periods that I would love to be able to erase. But life, being the way that it is, doesn't work like that.

Instead of sitting and grieving over the scars, I think God would have me look at the scars like He

does. Beauty from ashes. Dancing from mourning. Life from death. Wholeness from brokenness. Each scar that I bear reminds me of His incredible grace to me. Each scar tells me of His great love for me. He never gave up on me. He never left me alone. He transformed me, conformed me, changed me, grew me. He did what only He could do -- miracles, healing.

I also believe that God looks at the scars of His Son with tenderness, too. For in those scars, I am healed for all of eternity. In those scars, I have been resurrected and live with Him. My scars. His scars.

Beautiful, beautiful scars.

Me-Centered Lessons

If I can save you some of the heartache and trouble of having to learn a lesson the hard way, then I'm only happy to do it. Some of us have to be smacked upside the head to learn. Hopefully, you're not one of those people and you can just read my blog, learn from my lessons, and proceed along merrily down the road. So here goes. Here are some of the lessons I've learned.

1. Being irritated with someone or something is never a good thing. Irritation means my eyes are on me and I'm not getting what I want. Irritation is an annoyance, a slight -- not a sharp pain or a deep wounding. Irritation is me-centered.
2. Impatience is basically just saying that I'm better than you, that my time is more important than yours. It's saying that I need what I need, and I need it now because everything revolves around me. Impatience is me-centered.
3. Arrogance is feeling superior to someone else, expanding their shortcomings -- and then looking to me, and minimizing my own faults. It's thinking I know best and giving myself much more credit than I deserve. Arrogance is me-centered.
4. Fear is removing God from the equation. It's looking ahead to the future -- and He's not there. It's looking around me in the present and not seeing Him anywhere. It's looking in the past and neglecting to see God's hand at work. Fear is me-centered.
5. Unforgiveness is looking at the sin committed against me, and forgetting the sins that I have committed against my Lord. It is holding on to my right to hold a grudge or exact payment for something done against me, and refusing to see the forgiveness that God has so graciously bestowed to me. Unforgiveness is me-centered.

Notice the one thing all of those have in common? I'm sure they jumped out at you … just as they did with me as I typed them. Each one of those items above are sins. Sin is always me-centered. Sin has taken the crown from God and placed it squarely on my big, ole' fat head. Sin is pulling God down from the heavens, looking Him in the eye, and declaring mutiny.

And sometimes, God allows me to take my sin and run with it. He gives me over to my selfish desires, knowing that ultimately, those selfish desires will be the end of me. The end leads to death, to destruction, to gaining what I think I want and winding up with nothing.

Sheesh! It's how I've lived most of my life. Sin has always been, and will always be a battle as long as I live here on this earth. God knows that, and He knows me. That's why He's given me His Word, to teach me. That's why He's given me His Spirit, to open the Word to me, to reveal His truth about Himself, about me.

How I love God's Word!! How I love His Spirit who speaks to me, who breathes life to me.  How I love that even though God may give me over to my me-centered desires at times, that He may allow me to make those destructive choices, He is never far away. All it takes is a slight turn in His direction and He's there. He's there!!! He's there with His arms stretched out to me, calling me to leave that destructive me-centered prison, and come in to the God-centered freedom.

I think the most important lesson that I have learned though is the fact that even though there will always be a battle with sin, SIN HAS NO POWER OVER ME!! Yes, I'm aware I typed all of that in caps. Yes, I'm aware that typing in all caps can be considered rude and is taken to be yelling. But come on! Don't you think those words should be shouted from the mountain tops?!? I mean, seriously. That's like the best news. Ever!!

When Jesus died on the cross (for my sin) and was resurrected, He conquered the power of sin and death … not just for me, but for you! For all of us! No longer were we slaves held captive by the power of sin. That was done -- once for all. Being irritated, impatient, arrogant, fearful or unforgiving are all choices. If I'm being any of those things, it's because I'm choosing to do them. 

I can't use the excuse that it's my character … or that my environment has made me that way … or that it's someone else's fault … or I'm just responding to something that someone has done. Sin is always, always, always a choice. And many times, it's the easiest choice. It's the choice everything in me is screaming at me to make. But His Spirit whispers for me to take my eyes off of me, to remember I've been set free, and make the choice to follow Him.

Because of Jesus, because of Who He is and what He has done, I am no longer a slave. I am a daughter of the King. I have a choice. And, because of Jesus, because of Who He is and what He has done, I choose Him. I choose to live in freedom with Him. I choose to live in celebration of the lessons learned.

The Danger of the Good Times

Finding $1 on the sidewalk … stepping on the scales and seeing the number go down … having money after paying all the bills … feeling comfortable, loved, and secure … having the OSU Cowboys win their football game … planting flowers and actually having them flourish in the Oklahoma heat and humidity … having all the appliances, vehicles, plumbing, wiring in the house working and cooperating … being healthy … having all of my relationships doing well … being appreciated at work … having things go my way. Those are all aspects of how I like my life to be. Well-ordered, well-run, comfortable, peaceful, in control. That's how it ought to be, right?

Sometimes, life does go like that. I've learned recently the extreme danger in these instances.

When life is broken and painful, when it just plain sucks, it's not difficult to be on my face before the Lord. I'm hungry for His Word. I'm aware of my brokenness and my desperation. I'm aware of my inability, my sin, my great need for Him. And when I do, there's not a problem with following Him.

But, when life is comfortable and peaceful, when everything is roses and champagne, that's when the deep, sinful, inner Diana will show up. Things are this way because of … well, because I'm just so darn wonderful! I'm spiritual and God surely blesses me for that. I'm wise because I can open the pages of His Word and I can hear Him. I'm patient. I'm loving. I have learned so much and have really grown. I've been in a raging storm and weathered it. I'm a battle-scarred veteran that has been victorious. I, I, I. Me, me, me. Yes, it's all me.

I'm still reading in the book of Judges and the story of Gideon. (Have you read it yet?! Like I said in my last post, read it!!! You'll be glad you did.) Gideon just came through an incredible, miraculous battle with 300 men, torches, and jars against an army that was many more times their size. And Israel stood back and watched God defeat their enemies … until God said to take after the rest of them. So, these energized men began pursing them to finish off the battle. Gideon witnessed all of that. He was a part of it.

After the battle, the Israelites came to Gideon and asked him to be king. He very spiritually answered that he would not do that, that God would be their king, but then he proceeded to tell them to give him all of the gold earrings that they had taken as plunder. Gold earrings that came out to about 50 pounds of gold. The booty wound up including purple robes of kings, jewelry, and more. Do you see what's going on here? Gideon's exterior is humble. "Oh, please, I can't take the credit." But inside of Gideon was a proud and arrogant heart. "I deserve the reward. I was the leader here. Do you see what I did?" The end result was Gideon acted like a king, complete with riches and a harem, and the idol he made was a snare to him and to all of Israel.

He started well, and finished horribly.

I don't mean to hammer Gideon, and I know that's what it sounds like I'm doing. Gideon followed the Lord and was obedient. He worked with God in doing some incredible things for His people. Gideon even makes the Hall of Fame of Faith in Hebrews 11. That's big time! But, there came a point when that stopped, when God wasn't on the throne in his life, but instead that he himself was. God had become his co-pilot, rather than the pilot. Jesus didn't have the wheel. Gideon did. A life of deep pain resulted in walking with God. A life of prosperity and recognition resulted in being god of his own life.

What I'm trying to say is that I have the same heart that Gideon does … and I'm willing to bet that some of you who are reading this, if you really let God point out the intents and motives of your heart, will see the same thing. It's part of our fleshly, sinful nature to want to take the credit that belongs only to God. At least, it's a part of my nature.

How thankful I am for the warning and example of Gideon. He was used mightily by God … but he also fell an incredible distance away from Him. The biggest danger of my life isn't pain. It's prosperity. In the bad times, I have to remember Who God is, what He has done, who I am in Him. But, in the good times, it's even MORE important for me to remember these same things.

It all boils down to the one simple fact -- there is never a time that I don't need Him desperately. Good times. Bad times. In between times. All the time.

Any thing that I've been blessed with? It's because of Jesus. Anything wonderful in my life? It's because of Jesus. Anything of good that you see in me? It's because of Jesus. Anything of excellence or reward in my life? It's because of Jesus.

Laying it all at His feet today.

Fear

If you know me at all, you know I'm kind of a weenie. My whole life has basically been characterized by fear. I'm scared of scary movies … tornados … heights … big dogs I don't know … boogie men … driving too fast. Sheesh. And that's just for a start. Then we get to the serious things that cause the greatest fear -- things like being out of control … something happening to our kids … being abandoned and rejected … not knowing what's ahead. Yep, life itself can be pretty scary, and I have let it define me for much of my life.

But God...

I was reading in the chapter of Judges today about Gideon. He too was characterized by fear. And he had good reason! The Midianites are encamped around Israel, brutally harassing them, eating all their food and taking their livestock. Israel's very survival was at stake, but the Midianites were huge in number. They just kept coming, kept coming. God calls Gideon, who was hiding out, to conquer the Midianites. Read the story. It's great!

The thing that stood out to me most is that God knew Gideon's heart. He knew that Gideon was afraid. He knew that Gideon felt forsaken by Him and totally alone. God patiently loved Gideon to a place where Gideon could trust Him. God spoke to Gideon and then proved Himself not once, but twice with a fleece of wool. (Again, read the story!)

But then what does God do? He asks Gideon to go down to the camp of the enemy. Don't hide. Don't run away. Face your fears. Stand up to the enemy. Basically, God is saying, "Now is the time for you to introduce your fears to Me."

When we stand up to our fears, strengthened in God, knowing His Word, knowing Him, what do we see? We don't just see with our physical eyes anymore. We don't just see from our perspective. God gives us a bigger picture. Oh, we might not see the future. In fact, we rarely do. We might not see any way at all that this battle can be won, but we know our God … especially in the midst of the pain, in the midst of the fear, in the midst of the uncertainty. When everything is stripped away from us, all that we placed our security in, all that we have is our Lord.

And that's enough.

It was enough for Gideon. It was enough for the 300 warriors (down from 32,000). God led Gideon to pare down his army, and called them in to battle … in the dark … close to midnight … with torches and jars … with no weapons. Can you imagine those men surrounding the camp of over 100,000 Midianites? With just a torch and jar? With only 300 men? Their hearts were pounding. Their throats were dry. Darkness surrounded them. Their thoughts baited them with the impossibility and stupidity of this situation. But every one of the 300 men stood his ground, standing up to his fear. They knew the One that they served.

What about you? What enemy do you face? What is it that terrifies you? I told you some of the things that I've struggled with. And I've had some even darker and bigger fears that consumed large chunks of my life. In each instance, God works with me like He did Gideon. Bit by bit, He strips down the things that I've put my security in. Bit by bit, He empties me of any human resources that I can depend on. Bit by bit, I get down to absolutely nothing. It gets to where it's just me … and Him. THEN, it's the perfect time for the battle to begin.

Why? Because the Lord goes before me and fights the battle, just like He did for Gideon and the Israelites in Judges 7. Sometimes He does it all. Sometimes He calls me to fight alongside Him. Always, He calls me to participate in my obedience and trust Him. Gideon and his men willingly stepped in to the scary, awful situation of facing their worst fear, of being 100% dependent on God doing what only He could do and doing what He said He'd do. Sometimes our great fear is just exactly what God uses to strengthen us, to bring us closer to Him.

All of our expectations have to be put to rest. Our expectation of what God should do and how He should do it. Our expectation of our own strength and power. Our expectation of what the battle looks like. Our expectation of our own battle plan. Our expectation of what the victory will look like. Honestly, we don't know the answer to any of those things. But, we know Who we follow. We know He is good, that He's patient and kind, that He's gentle, that He has our best at heart, that He loves us abundantly, that ultimately the battle is His.

Oh, my friend, if God is whittling you down to nothing, take heart! Face your fears in Him and KNOW that the victory is coming.

Remember

Our family is big on telling stories from our past. Stories like …

• We had 3 active boys. Our oldest son had an OSU football uniform that he proudly wore to play football in the yard. Our middle son had a Dallas Cowboy uniform that he wore to compete with older brother. Our youngest son? He had baseball pants with suspenders and an ice cream bucket that he wore as a helmet … and he was just as happy as the two older boys.
• There was a big elm tree in our front yard that our dog would run around, barking at people as they walked by. Pretty normal, right? Until our daughter joined in with the dog, running on all fours, barking at joggers in our neighborhood.
• Whenever Wes had to go out of town on business, the kids and I popped popcorn, ate candy, and slept on the pull-out sofa in the living room while we watched old Abbott and Costello movies.
• We drove 20+ hours to go to Disney World, listening to Jimmy Buffett on the car stereo. Our kids loved this particular CD and screamed sang it at the top of their lungs. The whole way. The whole entire trip. 20+ hours of screaming singing. It was wonderful.
• "Scared the cat", sniff! … pickles … "I know where you sleep" … "Good night, Jordan!"  -- all catch phrases of memorable things that will cause our family to laugh.

There's just something about remembering. The memories come flooding back and we laugh. These were some precious times.

Over and over in His Word, God tells us to remember.

Sometimes we may have a crisis in life. Things are tough and we're not sure how to even put one foot in front of the other. At other times, we may be sailing along, no troubles at all, and we think we've got everything under control. In either instance, it's easy for us to forget. God knows that, too. Remember. Remember what He's done in history as well as for me personally. Have you ever wondered why He is constantly reminding His people to remember? Other than maybe the fact that we constantly forget?

Because when we remember the past, we're strong enough to move forward today. When we remember, we are encouraged in His faithfulness and goodness. When we remember, we see that we're not alone. When we remember, we see God's hand at work in our lives. We are reminded of the fierce love of God. We're reminded of the incredible power of God. We are reminded of Who God is and what He can do … and that He is with us, loving us each step of the way.

Remember … 

Answers

Here are some fun-filled facts about me and my weirdness.

• If I can't find something, I'll tear the house apart until I find it.
• If I don't understand something, I want someone to explain it to me until I get it.
• Other people may call it trivia, but I like all the little known facts about nature, or animals, or foods, or whatever.
• I have a reoccurring dream nightmare where I'm in class taking a test and I'm totally unprepared and don't know what I'm doing.
• I like to know what's ahead of me.
• If I ask someone a question, I darn well want them to answer it.

Yep, there you go. That's pretty much me right there. I like to know the answers. I want to be able to wrap my mind around things so that I can understand. This meant so much to me that as we raised our children, I was constantly explaining why I was doing something, why they were getting in trouble, why things worked the way they did. I felt it was important that they had the answers and that they understood. If I didn't know the answer, I'd dig until I could find it and then explain it to them. It seemed good to me. Everyone needs to have all the answers, right?!

I was wrong.

Don't get me wrong. Understanding can be important. Knowledge can be crucial. But it can't always be the driving force. There are many, many times that things happen in life and it is an impossibility to understand them all. The harder we try to understand, the angrier, emptier, more frustrated we can feel. 

God really brought this home to me in these last few years.

• I wanted to know the "why" … He wanted me to know Him.
• I wanted to wrap my head around the situation … He wanted me to wrap my arms around Him.
• I wanted to have a clear vision of everything around me … He wanted me to look at Him.
• I wanted to feel balanced, in control, secure … He wanted me to be dependent upon Him. 

What I saw was that I was worshipping the answers, and not worshipping God.

Sometimes when I was looking the hardest for the answers, I was looking everywhere but at Him. I was working, seeking, sweating, crying. I was spinning my wheels and going nowhere, and you know, it just didn't seem fair. The circumstances were this huge mountain that I couldn't get past. "God, how could You have allowed this?" "Father, this hurts and I need to know why." "What's true or right?" Why, why, why … 

God alone knows all the answers. Sometimes He reveals them to me. Sometimes He doesn't. But like Job, I've learned (through time and His patient teaching) that I don't need to know all the answers. I don't need to know all the "why's". I don't need to have the roadmap, or the instruction manual, or the answers to the test. Oh, I WANT all those things. I just don't NEED them.

God knows me. He knows my desire to have all the answers. But He also knows what's best for me -- and that's to know Him even more than I need to know the answers. Frankly, if I had all the answers, I wouldn't feel this thirst for Him. I can rest in not understanding it all because my Savior does. His Spirit leads me through those dark moments of time when I can't see, when I'm unsure, when I'm confused.

It all comes down to this. Is God good? Does He love me? Have I seen His work in the past? Do I believe His Word? If I answer yes to those questions, then I can rest in Him, not knowing all the answers, but knowing Him. I can trust Him to lead me where I need to go. I am not alone.

And that, my friend, is better than knowing all the answers.