Monday, May 9, 2011

Another "F"?!?

I get tired of tests. I get even MORE tired of failing tests. When I quit school (yes, quit -- I never graduated from college), the one thing I was really grateful for was that I would never, ever, EVER again have another test. Hahahahahaha! I'm literally laughing hysterically right now. What a sweet, naive child that little college drop-out was. I guess I thought that life was going to be smooth sailing, downhill, sunny skies, and whatever other cliche you can think of. Little did I realize that life itself is made up of hundreds, thousands, billions, and gazillions of tests. Tests that I either consistently fail over and over again before f-i-n-a-l-l-y getting them right or tests that I still haven't conquered. Now that I think about it, college was pretty easy compared to life. Just saying.

And just today, I was presented with yet another test. I'd be oh so proud to tell you that I passed with flying colors, but I'd be oh so a big fat liar if I did. Yeah, you could have scribbled a huge, nasty, red "F" on my forehead because I flunked it big time. Something happened that I wasn't prepared for ... that I didn't like ... that hurt someone I love. What did I do? Uhm, what Diana naturally does! I threw a big fit. I ranted and raved. I screamed and hollered. I stomped and fumed. Think of other bad things, and you'd probably have a pretty good picture of me today. Quite a lovely vision, huh?! (Be oh so glad that you weren't here!! And I'll be oh so glad that Candid Camera wasn't here either!)

The entire time I was throwing my little fit, I could hear God whispering in my ear: "I'm still in control"; "I have a better plan"; "Trust me"; "I'm bigger than these circumstances". And me, being the incredibly mature person that I am, just shoved that Voice out of my head so that I could concentrate more on throwing my tantrum.

It didn't take too long (thankfully!) for me to realize that my tantrum wasn't getting me anywhere. The circumstances weren't changing. The hurt wasn't going away. And honestly, if anything, throwing such a huge fit was just making me feel worse than I already did. Everything in me was rebelling against what God was doing ... because doggone it!! I didn't like it!! At the same time, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that what He was whispering to me was true: He WAS in control. He DID have a plan. He IS bigger than the circumstances. And I could either accept what He says as Truth and live that out by reacting in a right way, encouraging others, and trusting Him ... or I could continue flunking the test, throwing a tantrum, and making myself (and anyone who had the misfortune to be around me!) miserable. Now that I think about it, that really doesn't seem like a really difficult choice, but at the time it sure seemed to be!

As the evening has gone on, the circumstances haven't changed. Someone I love is still hurting. Things don't seem to be "fair" and "right". People haven't handled things as they should have. Doors weren't just closed; they were slammed. But, my God is still at work. He's working in our circumstances ... and He's working in me. The test may not have been passed immediately ... and I may still be in the process of perfecting the learning ... but the teaching continues. Yes, there will be more tests. Yes, there will be more tantrums (This is me we're talking about). The best part to all of this, though, is that God will still be there -- teaching, guiding, and in control.

Yup, I've decided I don't particularly like tests. But I never go through them alone ... and my Teacher helps me pass them. And I've also decided that passing a test sure beats the heck out of tantrums (that don't get you anywhere anyway!). I'm just grateful that I serve a gracious God who puts up with my "me-ness" ... and He doesn't brand me with the "F". Instead, He sees me as someone worth teaching, someone worth putting up with. He is oh so amazing!!! Makes me want to pass the test sooner next time ...

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for this post. I'm not in a good place right now spiritually, so I'm starting a blog to document my journey.

    Although I've only read a few posts, you have been very inspirational. I love that you do not pretend to be perfect, but let your flaws show so that we can feel "ok" about ours.

    Thank you and God Bless,