On His Way Home

We stood around his bedside tonight, listening to his shallow rattling breaths. He would grimace and cry out in pain ... and we all cried alongside him. He never really knew we were there ... never recognized any of us ... but when we spoke of Jesus and prayed, he'd quiet down and become peaceful. All it took was the mention of Jesus' name. Just the mention of Jesus.

What did that say to us? That dementia and death are horrible, horrific things ... but even those things bow at the name of Jesus. That our God in heaven cares about every detail of our life and is there for us. That Jesus reaches beyond the mind and body to our innermost being. That Jesus loves us.

He hasn't gone home yet. He's still working on that process. In the meantime, we pray and grieve, knowing that Jesus is there with him in the far-off shadows of his mind that we can't reach. And somewhere, in the midst of his dementia and pain, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he recognizes the person of Jesus. He's on his way home.

Surgeon ... or Assassin?

I heard a sermon today that was probably the best one I've heard in a long while. Whether it was actually the best one I've heard, or whether it was the one I've needed to hear the most in a long time, is debatable. But, it was excellent. The sermon was all about suffering ... and how we choose to go through that suffering. At the very beginning of the sermon, the pastor mentioned that it all comes down to gaining God's perspective through that suffering ... and my heart practically stopped because that has been my very prayer for the last several months -- to see things through God's eyes, to have His perspective, to look first through the filter of Scripture rather than my emotions. I knew this sermon was meant specifically for me from God. What a wonderful Valentine's present... I think!!

I KNOW that I don't see things from God's perspective, but I also recognize that I need to. I really WANT to. I want to have the type of mature faith that doesn't question, just accepts ... doesn't rebel, just submits ... doesn't need to understand, just trusts.

When I'm going through a trial, I have to admit that I don't suffer well. I beg to be rescued. I wallow in the pity potty of my life. I get angry. I question. I tend to hold God at arm's length. I look for things to make me feel "happy". It all boils down to the fact that even though I say I trust God, I don't. Even though I say I believe He's working for the good, I don't really believe it. But the God I serve is incredibly gracious. He lets me go this way for a bit, but He winds up gently reminding me that He's still there ... that He's still working ... that He IS a good God. There will be times when I don't understand, times that are painful, times that I want to give up or run away. These are the very times when He's developing my faith and conforming me more to the image of Christ. By seeing things from His perspective, He gives me the strength and joy to deal with these trials.

But God's working with me. His faithfulness is amazing! He doesn't give up on me when I don't get it right. And He continues teaching me the same things over and over again that I fail to learn right the first (or second or fiftieth or thousandth) time. And the lesson of seeing things from His perspective is one of them.

I'm going to finish my post with a short paragraph from Walt Henrichsen's devotional, "Thoughts From the Diary of a Desperate Man". He says so eloquently what I cannot, but my heart completely identifies with:

"Seemingly senseless pain and trauma engulfs much of life. If you seek to follow Him, you must be content to trust His character rather than your ability to understand. The difference between a knife in the hand of an assassin and a knife in the hand of a surgeon is intent: both inflict severe pain. you must decide whether God is an assassin or a surgeon. But remember, your choice does not change God, only your opinion. All the risk of making the wrong choice is on you."

 

Tweaked Truth

We were recently in Dallas, driving in their monstrosity that they call traffic, when we witnessed a wreck. Since we were in the middle lane of the 8-lane highway, we couldn't pull over to help since we were still moving ... and there were crazy drivers all around us. But we saw the cars swerve, heard the metal-on-metal impact, saw the smoke that flew up after they collided, and the spinning out of control by the smaller car onto the shoulder. No one was hurt (that we knew of) and fortunately, only the two cars were involved. It was actually more of a side-swipe, but still ... it was on a Dallas interstate, so it was scary. There were cars all around, so there were a lot of witnesses. As we were crawling along (because by this time traffic had slowed down to about 5 mph due to wrecks), we could see people pulling off on the shoulder to help the other folks who had just had a wreck.

And you know, I guarantee you that every single person that saw it had a slightly different perspective. Everyone saw the same thing, but all of the stories would be different, even if only slightly. I can tell you that I know the colors of the cars ... but not the makes. I saw the one car change lanes in to an already occupied lane ... but I don't know much else other than that. And my view of the wreck was very definitely different than the view of my husband's. We were in the same car ... saw the same wreck ... and had two totally different stories to tell.

It occurred to me that life is the same way. Ultimately, there is only one truth. It doesn't matter how we tweak it or change it to fit our perspective ... the truth is there. It's fact. It's unchangeable. But we bring our own story or perspective to it.  We do the same thing to God and His truths. We don't like it so we tweak it. We think it's silly so we say it's out-dated and not applicable to our lives. We try to ignore it and create our own truth. The fact is: truth never changes. Doesn't matter what we do to it ... the truth is rock-steady. For me, there's a deep security in knowing that God doesn't change and neither do His truths. How grateful I am that I serve a God who is bigger than a tweaked-out Truth and an updated Gospel!

Wait ... And Run the Race

God really confuses me. I should probably try to quit figuring Him all out, but I just can't bring myself to that point. I know I can't put Him in a nice, little box and label Him ... but I have to admit that for years, I've tried to do just that.  I KNOW that a God small enough to put in a box is not big enough to meet our needs. We need Him to be so much more than that, but yet I try so diligently to fit Him in there! He continues to surprise and amaze me, and honestly, I like it that way. BUT, there are things that are still confusing to me.

Like when I felt like He was telling me the other day to "Wait, and continue running the race." Uh yeah, that made absolutely no sense whatsoever to me. To this girl, waiting is sitting there, doing nothing, being totally unproductive ... and running a race is the exact opposite!! In fact, I can safely say that I do NOT like to wait ... and that I would NOT like to run a race (if I ever actually did something like that). Yup, God's Word to me didn't make sense ... and I didn't particularly like either choice.

Of course, I had to sit and contemplate what He was telling me. The more I thought about it, the more it actually seemed to make sense. All through Scripture, God tells us to wait, and I've learned over the years that (for me!) waiting is letting God do His perfect work while I wait for Him to work. It's not unproductive. It's watching the Master do what He does best while the apprentice (me!) watches and learns. It's being protected. It's waiting for the best and bypassing the "that'll do" things. There are many things in my life that I'm waiting for ... many areas that I'm daily and fervently praying about ... many things that only God has control over and only He can work while I watch. So, this is the area where I wait (not always patiently, not always well, but always assured that God knows what He's doing and is in control) ... and, in the meantime, I continue running the race.

And life is a race, isn't it? We continue doing what we know we need to do ... we continue putting one foot in front of the other ... we continue searching for the goal line ... we continue training. We can't stand still because then life passes us by, yet when we run there's one goal in mind -- and that's to be where God is. And again, I don't run the race patiently or well a lot of times. I get tired ... I complain ... I feel sorry for myself ... but I also know that I can't stand still or go backwards. We've come too far together (God and I) in this race for me to give up now. When I get to the finish line, I want to be greeted by a "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" and know that the waiting AND the race weren't in vain, I was never alone, and that God was glorified through it all.

So, for today, I'm waiting ... and running the race. Surprisingly, it makes perfect sense.

Looking Back ... and Moving Forward

Quite an interesting year -- 2010. From what I hear, it's therapeutic to go over the highs and lows of the year. Personally, I think it's always interesting to look back and see God's fingerprints all over everything. There are times that I feel like things are so out of control and so stinking chaotic ... and when I look back, I'm pleasantly surprised by His control. Isn't that sad? Not that He's in control, but that I just can't seem to see it as it's going on. Since you're reading this blog of mine, you get to be in on the therapy with me. Fortunate you!!

Our year began with someone (I won't mention names, but I happen to be married to him) turning the big 5-0. Within a month, we had kids moving out of our house and other kids moving back in. Wes's dad had been diagnosed with dementia that affected him very much physically as well and we helped move him to a facility, which was very difficult for all of our family, including Wes's sweet mom. Wes and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary by taking a small, welcome trip to a neighboring state to enjoy each other and our family who lives there.

By the time summer hit, our youngest son had gotten engaged (to a girl we adore and who fits in with our family wonderfully!) Our daughter had been hospitalized with intense symptoms that were eventually diagnosed as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Her recovery process was lengthy and fairly life-changing. A second grandbaby was born -- a precious little girl who has already captivated our hearts, just like her older sister has done. I joined my husband at the half-century mark (how is that possible? I don't feel that old!) Our grandbaby went BACK to the hospital at 4 days old with a cyst in her tear duct and an infection, but she recovered quickly and well. And then, my mother had a heart attck, had stent surgery, and a hospital stay. My mom has always been in great health, has been feisty and active, and that was scary for all of us.

When autumn rolled around, three of our four adult children had moved back in to our home, bringing all the furniture and boxes they left with ... plus some! We somehow managed to fit a 4-room apartment in to two rooms (and a storage unit - we cheated.) Our middle son finally had shoulder surgery to correct an injury from three years back. At the time, he was told that at the age of 26, he had the shoulder of a man in his 70's. Not encouraging, but again, we know that God is in control, and we're grateful for the wisdom He gives our doctors so that they can help him. Our oldest son smashed and mangled a finger at work, but fortunately there didn't have to be a surgery. Finally, our youngest son was deep in the middle of taking all of his teacher certification tests (and passing them all, might I add proudly!).

There have been some big events in 2010. Some we welcomed ... some we weren't too crazy about. But in each and every circumstance, God has shown His bigness ... His control ... His sovereign power ... and His incredible love. He never lets go, and for that I'm extremely grateful. My daily recitation is that God loves me, God's in control, and He wants the best for me ... it's true!! And He does for you as well. My prayer is that we'll continue to keep our eyes fixed firmly on Him as He takes us through this 2011's adventures.

Enjoy some of our year in pictures!

A Child at Christmas

There is just something about having a child around at Christmas. For us adults, we get caught up in all of the planning and activities. There are still gifts to buy ... still gifts to wrap ... parties to go to ... cookies to bake ... not enough time ... not enough money ... and we tend to be a little "Grinchy". Our focus is on what we have to do, or what we don't have, instead of the celebration that it is.

Add a child to that mix, and all of a sudden, Christmas takes on a whole new twist. It becomes fresh and new ... it's exciting ... it's a joy.

Our oldest granddaughter is four. She loves to get baby Jesus out of His stable and sing "Away in the Manger" to Him as she cradles Him in her arms. She loves to look at all of the family ornaments on the tree and hear the memory related to each one of them. She loves to turn out all of the lights and help her Nammy light the candles. She loves setting up the little villages, turning on the lights to the houses, and playing in the artificial snow. She loves driving through neighborhoods to see all of the different Christmas lights and how people have decorated. She loves singing "Jingle Bells". She loves reading Christmas books and hearing the different stories. She loves seeing all of the different stockings for family members and telling others which stocking is whose. She is excited about helping Jesus celebrate His birthday ... and her sweet little heart helps this Nammy become more excited and child-like as well.

Isn't it a little ironic? Christmas began with a Child to bless the world... and He continues to bless the world through other children as well.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

God's Personal Advisor

Planning is a good thing, right? When you plan things out, then everything is organized ... and put together ... and not chaotic ... and perfect ... and all is right in the world. Well, that's how it should be. I am a planner. I love to organize. I love order and routine and check-lists. And yes, I especially love checking things off with a red pen. I love having a plan and seeing it work out just as it's supposed to.When things come together as "they should", it's a wonderful feeling!!! It's fun to organize myself and everyone I know around me ... for me, at least. Everything in its place and a place for everything. Sigh! I get goose bumps just thinking about it!

If only God would just let me take over and organize everything like I want. Oh, I give Him lots of advice. I'm always telling Him, "Don't you think it would be nice if {insert something here}?" To be honest, I don't know how much stock God puts in to my wisdom. God loves me. I don't think He especially loves my advice. For some reason, I don't think He wants me to be His personal advisor.

I've given Him a lot of guidance over our years together. He knows who I think would be suitable companions for our single children ... how I think our country should be run ... how Wal-Mart should stock their shelves for short people. I've had my family's entire future planned out in advance for God (just to help Him out, you know). I chose husbands and wives ... chose occupations ... chose living locations ... chose friends. If I thought it would help, I would type up my suggestions, file it under Important Stuff that Diana Thinks, and then harrass talk with Him daily about it all.

I guess this is the time that I should probably confess something I've learned. Believe it or not, I'm not always right. I know you're gasping in total disbelief at that ridiculous confession, but it's honestly true. And this is one lesson that I have NOT enjoyed learning ... and relearning ... and learning again ... and learning once more.

God made me a planner. And that's a good thing. At least, I think it is. But when MY plans and MY ideas begin to take precedence over what God's plans are ... well, there's bound to be a collision of some sort, and unfortunately -- I'm not going to win. Why? Because He's God and I'm not. He sees the TOTAL picture and I see only part of it. He sees with eternal eyes while I see with my temporal eyes. He sees with perfect, holy vision and my eyes are ... well, mine.

So, even though I continue to keep check-lists, and even though I continue to plan and organize, I have made a choice. What seems to be a good idea to me at the time might not be the "best" according to what God has in store. I don't want to settle for just "good" when the "best" is out there and available, and God doesn't want me to either. The hardest part for me is sitting and waiting on God to work while I have a plan of action that sounds incredibly "good". But I sit ... and wait ... and pray ... and sometimes complain, then apologize for my complaints ... then sit some more... and wait again ... and pray constantly ... and cry loudly ... and watch for God's work ... and then, all of a sudden I'll see a glimpse of what He's doing and become absolutely overwhelmed at His incredible goodness. And it'll dawn on me what a brilliant idea God has when He does it "His" way. It's at this time that He reinforces to me that HE is the Master Planner, HE has complete control, and HE has good in mind.

Let's all be glad that God is God ... and I'm not.