Closing the Door

My husband and I still live in our big house where we raised 4 children. Not only did we have our 4 children here, but we had several dogs, and a variety of other people's kids who were here all the time. More often than not, there would be messes in the rooms because of all the critters and people that were here. But that was simple enough to fix. I'd just close the door. Voila! No more mess staring me in the face! Ultimately, the closed door would need to be opened and cleaning would need to happen, but the closed door was a temporary start.

As our children grew up and moved on, we added different dogs to our house. The one that lives with us now liked to "baptize" everything in sight as a puppy. So, we closed doors to keep him out of various rooms so we could keep an eye on him, and so that not every room in the house would be filled with his doggy gifts. If you come to my house today, you'll still see closed doors along the hallways. Closed doors can be very good things.

And that's something God is working with me on right now. He's closing a door to a chapter of my life that has been very difficult. For years, I've lived in the heartache of what's happened. Just recently, God gently told me that it's time to close the door. And He began all of that by reminding me what He's done. I've seen Him work in the ordinary, day-to-day things. I've seen Him change hearts, change me. I've seen Him restore, resurrect, reconcile and redeem. He can be trusted to complete what He began.

Closed doors can be scary things too though. Once I close the door, will the monsters stay behind it? Are they still lingering there, just regrouping? God shows me that once we close the door, it's closed. I can't keep staring at it, wondering if all of this is going to continue happening. I can't be afraid of that door and what's behind it. Instead, I close the door, and I turn away from it. I turn away from it and look to Him.

Honestly, I don't think that this means the path ahead will all be harp music and roses. It's not always going to be easy and comfortable. There will be new monsters that show up. There will be difficult climbs and thorns along the way. But, it's not like He's just given me a road map, or a detailed set of instructions and then left me to fend on my own. He's given me the best gift of all -- Himself!

I won't be walking the road ahead all by myself. My Heavenly Father will be with me each step of the way. It's not a blind leap of faith that's ahead. Oh, I fully acknowledge that I don't know what lies ahead. That's the "blind" part. I don't see all the way down the road. But, it's not a blind faith in my Father that takes me. It's a faith that has seen His miraculous works, it's a faith that has seen His great love, it's a faith that knows Who He is. I can leave the closed door behind me and leap into the arms of my God, knowing His arms are stretched out for me, that He is trustworthy. He has proven it over and over and over again.

So today, I close that door. I leap that leap. There's no better place to be.

Googling

Do you think doctors get tired of people coming in to their office, telling them what their diagnosis should be because they googled their symptoms? If you're a doctor ... or the wife of a doctor ... I'm apologizing right now because I'm one of those people. When my daughter was diagnosed with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever in July, I told the emergency room doctor that's what I thought it was. I named off all the symptons (high fever, excruciating headache, rash, swollen extremities and tongue, crippling fatigue), and then expected him to agree with me immediately. I think he appreciated my wisdom and expertise (like you hopefully appreciate my sarcasm). But he had to check other things as well -- like having a spinal tap for meningitis. I KNEW it wasn't that ... just like I knew it wasn't Hand and Mouth disease ... or hepatitis ... or alcohol poisoning (which someone else had the nerve to bring up!). I'm a googler. I admit it. I probably need a 12-step program to break me away from googling. But that's beside the point right now. The point is that I was absolutely and totally convinced in what my daughter had ... and at the same time, I had no control at all. I couldn't make the staff believe in me and my googling abilities. I couldn't make her feel better. And that all really stunk.

So, what did I do? Well, if you know me at all, you know that I DID voice my opinion (please do not roll your eyes at this point. That's just really rude.), but then I did the only thing I could do. I waited. I prayed. I tried desperately to do what I've said over and over again -- I had to have faith that God was in control regardless of the situation or the outcome. I'll be honest with you. I don't particularly like having my faith exercised. I much prefer when life is going according to plan (MY plan) and it's smooth sailing. But when those waves pick up and my little boat is in danger of capsizing, that's when I discover who I truly am and what I really believe. And sometimes, I don't particularly like what I see.

In each and every time, however,  I eventually get to the point where I have to lean on God and acknowledge that He's in control and I'm not ... that He sees the whole picture and I don't ... that He is ultimately good and full of grace even when I'm totally not understanding what's going on. I'd like to say that I'm getting to this point sooner (rather than later) and that would be very true -- sometimes. It's probably always going to be a battle for me until God takes me home. But I find that I DO cling to God's promises. I've seen that even though I don't always like what life dishes out to me, where else can I go? Christ alone offers me the Words of Truth.

I'm still a googler. I'm still a planner. I still struggle with thinking God should listen to me and all of my suggestions and ideas (just like doctors should do!). But I also find great comfort and an incredible amount of peace in the knowledge that my God is in total control ... that He loves me ... and that He has a plan for my life. I might not like what He does. I might not feel like He's being particularly loving at the moment. I might not like the plan He's got. But I know Him. I know Who He is, and yes, I have faith that what He does will be for the best. I need to remind myself of this often ... and God's good enough to show me over and over again.

Surgeon ... or Assassin?

I heard a sermon today that was probably the best one I've heard in a long while. Whether it was actually the best one I've heard, or whether it was the one I've needed to hear the most in a long time, is debatable. But, it was excellent. The sermon was all about suffering ... and how we choose to go through that suffering. At the very beginning of the sermon, the pastor mentioned that it all comes down to gaining God's perspective through that suffering ... and my heart practically stopped because that has been my very prayer for the last several months -- to see things through God's eyes, to have His perspective, to look first through the filter of Scripture rather than my emotions. I knew this sermon was meant specifically for me from God. What a wonderful Valentine's present... I think!!

I KNOW that I don't see things from God's perspective, but I also recognize that I need to. I really WANT to. I want to have the type of mature faith that doesn't question, just accepts ... doesn't rebel, just submits ... doesn't need to understand, just trusts.

When I'm going through a trial, I have to admit that I don't suffer well. I beg to be rescued. I wallow in the pity potty of my life. I get angry. I question. I tend to hold God at arm's length. I look for things to make me feel "happy". It all boils down to the fact that even though I say I trust God, I don't. Even though I say I believe He's working for the good, I don't really believe it. But the God I serve is incredibly gracious. He lets me go this way for a bit, but He winds up gently reminding me that He's still there ... that He's still working ... that He IS a good God. There will be times when I don't understand, times that are painful, times that I want to give up or run away. These are the very times when He's developing my faith and conforming me more to the image of Christ. By seeing things from His perspective, He gives me the strength and joy to deal with these trials.

But God's working with me. His faithfulness is amazing! He doesn't give up on me when I don't get it right. And He continues teaching me the same things over and over again that I fail to learn right the first (or second or fiftieth or thousandth) time. And the lesson of seeing things from His perspective is one of them.

I'm going to finish my post with a short paragraph from Walt Henrichsen's devotional, "Thoughts From the Diary of a Desperate Man". He says so eloquently what I cannot, but my heart completely identifies with:

"Seemingly senseless pain and trauma engulfs much of life. If you seek to follow Him, you must be content to trust His character rather than your ability to understand. The difference between a knife in the hand of an assassin and a knife in the hand of a surgeon is intent: both inflict severe pain. you must decide whether God is an assassin or a surgeon. But remember, your choice does not change God, only your opinion. All the risk of making the wrong choice is on you."