Googling

Do you think doctors get tired of people coming in to their office, telling them what their diagnosis should be because they googled their symptoms? If you're a doctor ... or the wife of a doctor ... I'm apologizing right now because I'm one of those people. When my daughter was diagnosed with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever in July, I told the emergency room doctor that's what I thought it was. I named off all the symptons (high fever, excruciating headache, rash, swollen extremities and tongue, crippling fatigue), and then expected him to agree with me immediately. I think he appreciated my wisdom and expertise (like you hopefully appreciate my sarcasm). But he had to check other things as well -- like having a spinal tap for meningitis. I KNEW it wasn't that ... just like I knew it wasn't Hand and Mouth disease ... or hepatitis ... or alcohol poisoning (which someone else had the nerve to bring up!). I'm a googler. I admit it. I probably need a 12-step program to break me away from googling. But that's beside the point right now. The point is that I was absolutely and totally convinced in what my daughter had ... and at the same time, I had no control at all. I couldn't make the staff believe in me and my googling abilities. I couldn't make her feel better. And that all really stunk.

So, what did I do? Well, if you know me at all, you know that I DID voice my opinion (please do not roll your eyes at this point. That's just really rude.), but then I did the only thing I could do. I waited. I prayed. I tried desperately to do what I've said over and over again -- I had to have faith that God was in control regardless of the situation or the outcome. I'll be honest with you. I don't particularly like having my faith exercised. I much prefer when life is going according to plan (MY plan) and it's smooth sailing. But when those waves pick up and my little boat is in danger of capsizing, that's when I discover who I truly am and what I really believe. And sometimes, I don't particularly like what I see.

In each and every time, however,  I eventually get to the point where I have to lean on God and acknowledge that He's in control and I'm not ... that He sees the whole picture and I don't ... that He is ultimately good and full of grace even when I'm totally not understanding what's going on. I'd like to say that I'm getting to this point sooner (rather than later) and that would be very true -- sometimes. It's probably always going to be a battle for me until God takes me home. But I find that I DO cling to God's promises. I've seen that even though I don't always like what life dishes out to me, where else can I go? Christ alone offers me the Words of Truth.

I'm still a googler. I'm still a planner. I still struggle with thinking God should listen to me and all of my suggestions and ideas (just like doctors should do!). But I also find great comfort and an incredible amount of peace in the knowledge that my God is in total control ... that He loves me ... and that He has a plan for my life. I might not like what He does. I might not feel like He's being particularly loving at the moment. I might not like the plan He's got. But I know Him. I know Who He is, and yes, I have faith that what He does will be for the best. I need to remind myself of this often ... and God's good enough to show me over and over again.

God's Personal Advisor

Planning is a good thing, right? When you plan things out, then everything is organized ... and put together ... and not chaotic ... and perfect ... and all is right in the world. Well, that's how it should be. I am a planner. I love to organize. I love order and routine and check-lists. And yes, I especially love checking things off with a red pen. I love having a plan and seeing it work out just as it's supposed to.When things come together as "they should", it's a wonderful feeling!!! It's fun to organize myself and everyone I know around me ... for me, at least. Everything in its place and a place for everything. Sigh! I get goose bumps just thinking about it!

If only God would just let me take over and organize everything like I want. Oh, I give Him lots of advice. I'm always telling Him, "Don't you think it would be nice if {insert something here}?" To be honest, I don't know how much stock God puts in to my wisdom. God loves me. I don't think He especially loves my advice. For some reason, I don't think He wants me to be His personal advisor.

I've given Him a lot of guidance over our years together. He knows who I think would be suitable companions for our single children ... how I think our country should be run ... how Wal-Mart should stock their shelves for short people. I've had my family's entire future planned out in advance for God (just to help Him out, you know). I chose husbands and wives ... chose occupations ... chose living locations ... chose friends. If I thought it would help, I would type up my suggestions, file it under Important Stuff that Diana Thinks, and then harrass talk with Him daily about it all.

I guess this is the time that I should probably confess something I've learned. Believe it or not, I'm not always right. I know you're gasping in total disbelief at that ridiculous confession, but it's honestly true. And this is one lesson that I have NOT enjoyed learning ... and relearning ... and learning again ... and learning once more.

God made me a planner. And that's a good thing. At least, I think it is. But when MY plans and MY ideas begin to take precedence over what God's plans are ... well, there's bound to be a collision of some sort, and unfortunately -- I'm not going to win. Why? Because He's God and I'm not. He sees the TOTAL picture and I see only part of it. He sees with eternal eyes while I see with my temporal eyes. He sees with perfect, holy vision and my eyes are ... well, mine.

So, even though I continue to keep check-lists, and even though I continue to plan and organize, I have made a choice. What seems to be a good idea to me at the time might not be the "best" according to what God has in store. I don't want to settle for just "good" when the "best" is out there and available, and God doesn't want me to either. The hardest part for me is sitting and waiting on God to work while I have a plan of action that sounds incredibly "good". But I sit ... and wait ... and pray ... and sometimes complain, then apologize for my complaints ... then sit some more... and wait again ... and pray constantly ... and cry loudly ... and watch for God's work ... and then, all of a sudden I'll see a glimpse of what He's doing and become absolutely overwhelmed at His incredible goodness. And it'll dawn on me what a brilliant idea God has when He does it "His" way. It's at this time that He reinforces to me that HE is the Master Planner, HE has complete control, and HE has good in mind.

Let's all be glad that God is God ... and I'm not.