When Jesus was going through the agony on the cross, He refused the numbing medication that was offered to Him. I always wondered why. I think I know now. I think He needed to feel it. To embrace it. Because then it meant something. Because then He was wholly involved in the battle, involved in the victory. If he numbed it, He wouldn’t have been fully engaged.
I remember God pointing that out to me back then. I knew this wasn’t something I could push down and not face, like I did everything else in my life. I had to walk through the fire and feel every burning ember, every agonizing flame. Walking through those deep agonizing feelings meant an ultimate healing. It wasn’t me doing the healing. No, God was walking with me through it all, healing me as I went.
Sometimes I hate the deepness of my feelings, the rawness that they bring to me. You’d think I’d be calloused by now, that life wouldn’t feel like a cheese grater on my back. That time would have built up hardness to protect me. God loves me too much. He gave me the option to be numb, but told me what was best. I chose Him. And choosing Him sometimes really hurts. For a time. I hear the end result is amazing though.
I chose Him. I chose to stay in His Word and to have my heart stay soft and sensitive. I chose to experience the pain rather to allow sin to numb me. I chose to put my hand in His and go where He takes me. I chose, not knowing what the future would be, not knowing how long the pain would last, knowing this was something I could not handle...but that He could, and would. I chose Him. That was all I could do. And I still do.
So, numb feelings? Yeah, not so much. Jesus didn’t do it for me. He asked me to do the same for Him, and I did. I do.
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